Written while listening to Trouble Every Day by Frank Zappa
It seems appropriate. I feel lonely, sad, anxious, afraid, and wish I could just transform everything!! There is an incredible amount of friction in my life right now. Absolutely nothing is easy. It is rough at work, and when I get home I just feel tired and unfocused. (and with my glaucoma I am literally unfocused.) I am still a bit obsessed with Margaret Cho, but not as badly as before. I enjoy her blog, and like to post comments. It is nice to find a kindred spirit. But I wish I could dispel this feeling of dangling over a precipice. I need a breakthrough. I daydream of having my own talk show, or of doing stand-up comedy. Relationships are a struggle and it is hard to develop an interest in anything. I just sit in front of the computer and have no fucking clue. Listening to music isn’t as much fun as it usually is. I post things on Facebook, and nobody ever fucking notices. It’s funny. I never cared about making contact with anybody before. Fuck you Facebook!! I was happy in my isolation. Now I crave connection, I want somebody to fucking care. But then, I don’t care all that much myself so what the fuck do I expect? Gotta give to get. Blah Blah Blah Actually it seems to me that the world is on the edge of a transformation, although I am not sure I will live to see it reach it’s full fruition. This is just the beginning of the beginning. But I can feel it. Rough times before we get there, though. No way around it. I guess you could call it some sort of a spiritual cleansing (if you were some new age asshole!) There! got that out of my system, that felt soooo good. It’s just that every time I start getting all philosophical I get really pissed off at myself, thinking that I’m going to start acting like some pompous ass. I hate new age assholes!! They say you should talk to a mountain climber if you want to learn how to climb a mountain, and these people haven’t climbed any fucking mountains.
OK OK I am taking off my cranky pants now.
I do sincerely believe that we are in the process of discovering that it is all up to us, the (do I really have to say it?) 99%. There ain’t going to be anybody that is going to save our sorry asses. That dream died when we discovered that Barack Obama is just another human being. Hope is for Dopes, it’s time for Action! Although I am just as clueless as anyone about the exact nature of that action. I think the Occupy movement has some potential, if it doesn’t get hijacked by a bunch of left wing morons, which seems to be happening. But the idea that we need to just step out there and take things in our own hands is a step in the right direction. The people in local, state, national, and international government don’t have a fucking clue. That much is painfully clear. Somebody needs to come up with some new ideas. Not all those old tired ideologies, like socialism, communism, capitalism, etc etc. None of it Works!!! Excuse me, waiter!! This isn’t the paradigm I ordered! Maybe that’s because I bought into somebody else’s paradigm instead of creating my own. We are entering unknown territory, fraught with peril and possibility. It isn’t going to make a damn bit of difference who becomes President, or what happens to the Eurozone, because there are changes sweeping over this planet that no governmental body of any kind can contain. The 1% is going to feel like Marie Antoinette felt when she could see the tsunami of history sweeping over Paris in 1789. Heads will roll, but only those heads stupid enough to try to hold on tenaciously to the status quo. Unfortunately I will likely be homeless while all this is going on, without access to media. But I hope I live to see the transformation that I crave. We shall see……….