I will never, even if I live to be a hundred, figure myself out!!
I checked Margaret Cho’s website just now, to see if she had posted anything about the celebrity=fan relationship. Her response to that was surprising (well, not that surprising), but oddly disconcerting to me. Why the hell would a nice, honest, positive, response from someone I admire, upset me? She said I was supportive, but that she didn’t feel like a celebrity at all, and felt she led an ordinary life, and considered her fans her friends. So, does that mean I am a friend? That feels strange to me, given that we have never met. And it makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I am uncomfortable writing about it. There is a part of me that wants to stop checking out her website, and just move on with my life. I don’t want to care about her. I want to regard her as a celebrity, not a human being. If you are reading this and thinking ‘I think this guy is fucked up’, I couldn’t help but agree. But here’s the deal, like I wrote before, it is a mistake to get hung up on Margaret Cho. In spite of what she wrote, there is no way that she and I are ever really going to be friends. Her response gave me hope, and I don’t want hope. Clearly, I need to create some distance, because it is fucking painful to care about someone. I’m sure if she were here right now, she would say “I don’t understand why you are making such a big fucking deal out of all this? Why is caring about me a problem? Why can’t it be wonderful?” Damn good question. It’s not like I think we could ever hang out together. That is what upsets me about her saying her fans are her friends. I am cynical about that. I am sure that there are people you hang out with, and those you don’t, I can’t believe she invites everybody into her life. Nobody could do that, even if they wanted to. You see how crazy I get? I don’t want to be liked, or considered a friend by someone I have put on a pedestal. This actually has to do with how I relate to people in general, not just Margaret Cho. I write about the illusion of intimacy, but the truth is that I prefer an illusion. I am afraid of real relationships. Margaret Cho’s response should have pleased me to no end, instead it brought out my insecurities. So I feel sad. I can’t really account for it, although I have certainly tried in all that verbiage you just read.
It is definitely possible to let someone get to you too much! This is an opportunity for me to more honest and brave. I am not really sure of what I am trying to write about, except as a warning to other lonely men out there who might become attached to someone like her, because of her honesty, bravery, and ordinariness, I guess the challenge is to not keep looking for something from her to make you happy. You have to open up to yourself, and come from a place of friendship, instead of skepticism, in your daily life. All of this really isn’t about Margaret Cho, it is about myself.
Like I said, sometimes I discover that I really don’t know myself very well at all.