The Penis


I think the penis is a much maligned organ. And unfairly. Poor guy. Rapists and child molesters have given the penis a bad reputation. But their penises didn’t commit those crimes, their brains did, or their minds, whatever… you get the point. The penis is innocent. It has a couple of things it is supposed to do. He does the first thing pretty darn well. I’m sure a lot of women would love to have a penis just for the convenience. The vagina? poor design! I’m sorry, but it’s true. At least when you’re talking about this urinary function. It isn’t the penis fault that guys pee in doorways, showers, and sinks. It’s the dolt using the penis that’s at fault. If a drunk drives a Mercedes into a ditch, do you blame the exquisitely designed automobile? I think not!

Penises are not ugly. Well…..they can be, but mine isn’t. I don’t know about other guys (almost typed gays, gotta watch those typos on a story like this!). I don’t want to know, ok? Other guys penises are….let’s just move on, all right? We have all these cultural biases and you know that men are responsible for most of them. We really ought to celebrate our genitals. Don’t you think? I don’t mean pornography, because that just perpetuates the nonsense. At least, the way most of it is done. I realize that by saying this, I have lost virtually all of the male readers. If I’m talking about some touchy-feely new age approach to the penis, they want nothing to do with it. As far as they are concerned, touchy-feely and penis don’t belong in the same sentence. And that’s fine. Really. I don’t want my penis to be on speaking terms with other penises. As you can see, although I started this post thinking I would set the record straight on the penis. You got that? Straight. I want to make it straight! Just in case some readers may have other ideas. Boy am I hung up? Hey! there’s a slogan! Better hung than hung up? Huh? Somebody call Larry Flynt. It is so tempting to say that this post is just more of Newt Gingrich’s hack into my blog (see newt5087 the previous post), but no this is my attempt to say something worthwhile about the penis. So get on with it then!!

Ok I admit I’m dithering. Let me get to the point, I feel we should feel good about our bodies. We should not treat our genitalia badly. After all, if it weren’t for the penis and the vagina, where would we be? But people get silly, stupid, weird, and uncomfortably silent when it comes to the penis. (and the vagina, but that’s another post, I’m having a hard enough time with the penis. That is such an opportunity for a joke, but I’ll let it pass). I think we need to come to terms with our penis neurosis. I think if we could just reach a point where a penis is as ordinary as a handshake, that would be a good start. Which gives me an idea, nah! too unsanitary! It would never catch on, not even in the Castro. There have been plenty of guys walking around with their junk there for all to see. It doesn’t seem to help improve our attitudes. People still regard the penis as a personal insult. I mean, the slang, junk? that tells you how much the penis is valued. I bet a lot of guys are embarrassed when it comes to their package. (much better slang) Women don’t make things any easier. There isn’t a woman that I know of that likes the penis, oh, they may like some things about it, but not as an object of contemplation. (How do I come up with these things?) And that’s what men need. They need a woman, well…not just any woman, not their mother or sister, or…you know what I mean, a woman they are attracted to, she needs to be beautiful, smart, have a lot of money, doesn’t talk too much,,,,but I am getting way off track here, aren’t I? If she could just say something nice about it. It has to be sincere, and “It’s nice.” doesn’t cut it. Nobody wants a ‘nice’ penis.

You know what? I think the penis is a problem I am not going to solve. Maybe I just don’t have the….Oh! that reminds me! Balls! Everybody likes balls! He’s got balls! It’s a good thing! Women want to have them. But actually, isn’t that more of a conceptual thing? I mean, when you consider the actual set of testicles in question, it’s a different story isn’t it? Testicles are so weird and perplexing to me that I would really need to write about them another time. And the penis, I sold you short little guy. Wait! I meant to say big guy, and I sold you long! What? Never mind. You see how it is. It is impossible to write about these things. I have failed. If my penis could withdraw inside my body in shame, it would. I let it down. I was going to fight for it’s right to party! But it got all weird, and I couldn’t get my facts straight. Sorry, penis. Maybe next time.

Sorry folks, no pictures, you know how it is!

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