The Buttocks

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And now for something completely different, a man with three buttocks.

I don’t recall Monty Python actually showing the man with three buttocks, and although it would admittedly be a strange sight, it would also be an innocent one. It is hard to get upset over buttocks. This is a sexual object which both sexes enjoy. It has a harmless, innocent quality. You imagine how soft and warm it is. How wonderful to bury your face into a hopefully nice smelling ass. What’s not to like? Well, there may a few things, depending on the person. But that is not the direction I wanted to take with this post. This is the third of a series of sexual object posts. This is the easiest one to write about so far, because everyone can agree that a nice ass is a good thing. It is not so overtly sexual that it arouses all our conflicted feelings about sex. It’s a fun thing.

It is with the buttocks that the food metaphor comes most into play. Someone is said to have a ripe melon. It looks good enough to eat. However, why is it that the buttocks always gets the punishment? Not only spanking, but people always want to kick it, kiss it, and often want it to get out of here. It isn’t fair. Who can get mad at a buttocks? It’s round and lovable. Of course there is the subconscious recognition that the buttocks conceals an orifice. We have very ambivalent feelings towards that orifice. We are glad it is there, for obvious reasons, but it is all so undigified. Sarah Silverman claims she doesn’t have one, which leads to some uncomfortable questions. This tempers the desire to just dive right in there, doesn’t it? But usually, the inherent appeal of the butt overcomes our aversion to certain functions the butt helps to facilitate. Isn’t it fortunate that I have a large vocabulary, and can navigate my way around this delicate subject?

As I’m sure you can tell, I like butts. They don’t have to be big, or small, they just need to be luscious. That is a hard quality to define, except that the butt needs to have a fruitlike quality. It needs to have that degree of arc. Too flat and it’s buttness is diminished. It becomes more of a slab. But there is an important feature which I have neglected. The cleavage. Butt cleavage, it is so twenty first century! Now again, one needs to make a distinction between the refrigerator repairman butt cleavage and Jessica Alba’s butt cleavage. Being a heterosexual male (which means that I revolve in a clockwise motion while residing in the Northern hemisphere) I naturally prefer Jessica Alba’s BC. But I note that there are women who are partial to the refrigerator repairman’s BC. To each their own. Now I can’t presume to speak for the entire subculture of the gay male fixation on the butt and it’s cleavage, so I won’t. (My apologies to George Michael. I know he expected to be featured quite prominently in this post. But, I did mention you didn’t I?)

Butt back to the subject, which is that cute little hint of butt cleavage you sometimes get. For it to be effective it can’t be too much. That produces embarrassment for the person who hopefully is unknowingly displaying almost their entire melon to an unprepared nation. That may be thrilling in some cases, but it’s rare and more closely related to flashing. I am talking actually about the inadvertant glimpse of butt cleavage. With the advent of extremely low slung pants, we get more and more butt cleavage. Supposedly these jeans are meant to be worn with thongs, but think about it. Which is more exciting? A glimpse of a thong, or butt cleavage? Butt cleavage wins hands down. If there are guys out there saying you like the thong, you are lying, or gay. And speaking of gay, what about male BC? It has always been there. No news here. Move along. Nothing you haven’t seen too many times before.

However this female BC trend is new. Women have been showing the traditional cleavage for so long that it was inevitable that the lower form would become fashionable. It is a relatively mild flirtation, in my book. Nothing to get upset about. The world of fashion has made use of male prurient interests since it’s beginning.

 

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