The Demon Within

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my not so trusted advisor

I thought I would post something that would be more helpful for my readers, than just writing about my financial woes. The thing I struggle with are the emotional demons that lurk within, eager to sabotage my life. The world is far too large and far too complex for one puny little being to get a handle on. There are so many variables and factors swirling around and blinking on and off in the quantum foam, that I cannot hope to predict the next moment much less next month. This is cause for optimism. The demon inside has a severe case of tunnel vision. It only sees it’s own obsession. The demon is obsessed with fear, dread, depression, hopelessness, and shame. So that is what it sees. Everywhere. This is poisonous. It sabotages every effort I make to improve my situation. What’s the use? It won’t work. I don’t need to apply for that job, they would never hire me. I think I would rather just sit here and feel sorry for myself. Nothing will get any better. I may as well kill myself. Sure it’s fine now, but what about next month? etc. etc. And it is incredibly vividly, indisputably real!

The truth is, however, very different. At any time, on any given day, something could happen that will change everything. There are too many opportunities for any mind to keep track of. It is best to believe that whatever happens, it is for the best, even if you can’t see it. Of course, sometimes you really can’t see it, to the extent that it really pisses you off to hear that kind of spiritual nonsense. But truthfully, as much as I hate to admit it, it is not nonsense. We are much bigger than what we think. The puny self which was born and will die, is only a part, a small part of who we are. This is what I like to believe. It comforts me. I am perfectly willing to concede that it is bullshit. If it makes you feel better.

All I know is that I want to make an impact on this world, and for some stupid reason I think that is actually possible. Perhaps it the illusion of the internet. I have a blog, I can change the world!! Do you notice the little dance throughout this post? The dance of the internal demon? It shoots down anything that doesn’t fit in with that tunnel vision it has saddled me with all these years. It’s ok. I can’t make it go away. I’ll let it do it’s thing, and I’ll do mine.

My point here (and I do have one), is that our thoughts and emotions can imprison us to such an extent that we miss out on our lives. We fail to dare! to challenge the paradigm. to be illogical, and refuse to succumb to the world as described on the evening news. If I am to make the difference I would like to make, I can’t just sit here and dwell on my circumstances, I need to be my true self. I need to be foolishly optimistic. A part of myself doesn’t  buy it. It thinks this post is total bull, a silly little exercise in self delusion. That part may be right. I don’t care. Let the demon do it’s dance.

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