My friend is sick. She has diabetes and it is causing her frequent dizzy spells which are interfering with her life. I talked to her briefly on the phone but she obviously didn’t want to talk. She shuts me out, not answering my email. She hasn’t talked to her relatives either. She prefers to be miserable alone. It worries me. I wish I could do something for her, but what? I don’t want to pester her. I respect her desire to be alone in this, but also feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel so helpless. I lost my brother a few years ago, and he sounded much the same over the phone before he died, as my friend does now. It is so painful to hear about the difficulties your friends are having and having no real recourse but to hope they get better. I can pray and I just did as I was typing this.
I have a tendency to shut people out myself so I can definitely sympathize with her desire. In fact, before I met her, I only had one real friend. I don’t make friends easily. During the time I have known her she has been so kind to me. I miss the times we’ve spent together, and I wonder if those times will ever return. She is in bad shape. and there is nothing I can do. It is also ironic that all of this is happening just when things are just beginning to change for me. Friends are precious, I don’t want to lose this one.
One of the things that has been beneficial about this blog for me has been the opportunity to speak my mind, sometimes quite personally. As I last blogged, I will be doing this less and less frequently as I am working and don’t want to deprive myself of sleep. I had a bad health episode this morning. Sometimes I get a gastro-intestinal attack which is very uncomfortable. I keep feeling like I have to pee or do the other thing, but if I do I experience even more discomfort, sometimes intense discomfort accompanied with nausea. This can last for two or three hours unless I cut it short by ignoring it. That is very difficult to do, at first, almost impossible, but I manage it. Over time, I slowly recover and lose the urge to go to the bathroom. It interferes with my life in a major way and I have to find a way to prevent it. Again, in the face of this problem, I feel helpless. The doctor tells me to drink more water, and not to strain. I have paid closer attention to that, but sometimes it still happens.
I feel helpless when it comes to my vision problem. I will get my cataracts removed, but I am completely at the mercy of the surgeon. That frightens me. There are many things in life over which I feel helpless, but I try to focus on what I can control, what I can actually do something about, or it drives me crazy. I know many of you experience the same helplessness at times. It is really horrible isn’t it? All you can say to this person you care about who is in pain, is that you hope things will get better, you really really want them to get to feeling better. And they say they have to hang up now. You are left feeling miserable, but not as miserable as they feel. When I am in that kind of state of mind I just have to ride it out to the end. And I also push people away when I am truly hurting, in fact I can be quite ruthless about it. So I can understand some of what my friend feels.
Such is life. It gets better for you, but not entirely, because you still suffer at times, and you can’t solve all of the problems which plague yourself, your friends, or the world. That sucks. But it is the cards we are dealt. I just wanted to write about some of my frustrations, and my sadness. My friend’s situation makes me very sad. My own growing older makes me sad sometimes. On the other hand, I have just started a new job and it seems like a good one. I will need to overcome physical challenges to do well at this job. I don’t feel helpless in these regards. I just wish I could rectify the world, but I can’t. That is a tough pill to swallow sometimes.