Category Archives: psychology

Try once again

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Try once again to get it right

Don’t just sit there feeling uptight

You aren’t the first one to feel this way

So suck in your chest and raise your chin

Tomorrow is another day

I will find new expressions

I will explore new realms

I will discover how to be loving

In a responsible less awkward less careless

thoughtful mindful way

I will

Try once again

and try once again

and again

Till all is right with myself

and the world

It’s Past Midnight Aug. 4, 2012

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It’s past midnight Aug. 4, 2012 and I don’t care

I need to sleep I need to dream of something better

or perhaps a resolution an invisible conversation

to somehow make it all heal and make our lives a little better

I don’t know

sometimes it is hard to carry on

but weep no tears for me for I am the one to blame

for all this shit that has hit the fan

if I hadn’t been so stupid

if I had only stopped to think

even for a moment

but enough about all that because it’s past midnight

on Aug. 4 2012 and I am sitting here typing like a million times before

I still have things to say and I’ll say them

I haven’t gone away although I really wished I could

after the fact, after the fact hurts like nothing else on earth

I feel engulfed in a sea of remorse and sadness rules my heart

Each day is a slow haul through a thick wall of regret

But the light will shine again and I am a new man

Much like the old but different

My heart is bruised and shaken but I am glad

For it was deserved

Second Thoughts

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These have been a difficult few days. I have had second thoughts about closing out this blog, and beginning a new one. I have worked hard building up this blog and developing a small following. Do I really want to start from scratch again? Not really. Mainly, I just want to clean things up. I need to clean up my apartment, and I need to clean up this blog. I just need to clean up, period. I am still feeling horrible over ‘that thing I don’t even want to think about anymore’. I learned that I need to be very mindful about what I post. I have been far too reckless. Hopefully, I have repaired the damage. I had developed an emotional attachment to that whole project, investing a lot of time and energy into it, but it was wrong from the start. I could easily have created a graphic novel or cartoon using images entirely of my own making, and I may still. But I was lazy, and …like I said, I don’t really want to think about it. However, I shouldn’t just dump the whole blog because of this one big mistake. There is an abundance of worthwhile material in this blog that doesn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights, doesn’t use images without permission etc. So I should continue on, responsibly. It’s hard. I don’t feel like blogging right now. I feel like hibernating. I want to have a very low profile.

Should I go or should I stay?

Should I pack it in?

I know I have caused some hurt

And that hurts

Carry on

I have good things to do

A worthwhile contribution

I’ll do what I can do

To repair the damage

Second thoughts about hiding away

As unhappy as I am

I think I’ll stay

ADDICTION

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ADDICTION

I HATE THAT WORD WITH A PASSION BORN OF MY CONVICTION THAT I CAN PURSUE WHATEVER I WISH, WALK WHATEVER ROAD, WITHOUT FEAR. I AM A FREE MAN.

AND YET ADDICTION EXISTS. HOW DO I KNOW?

BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING YOU LOVE SO DEARLY SICKENS YOU, WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF AND WISH YOU COULD PUT THIS THING OUT OF YOUR MIND AND JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, THEN YOU ARE ADDICTED. IT ISN’T HARD TO FIGURE OUT. IT SIMPLY ISN’T FUN ANYMORE. IT HAS BECOME A CHORE, IF SOMETHING HAS YOU BY THE BALLS IT IS AN ADDICTION. THAT SIMPLE.

WHAT TO DO??? I SAY IT IS A MISTAKE TO TRY TO CRUSH THE ADDICTION UNDERFOOT LIKE AN OBNOXIOUS BUG, BECAUSE ADDICTIONS HAVE AT THEIR CORE A TRUE NEED WHICH SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED, THAT NEED WILL FIND A WAY TO SATISFY ITSELF AND IT IS UP TO YOU TO FIND THE BEST WAY TO SATISFY THAT NEED. FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND FEEL THE PAIN AND THE HURT, ALL THAT STUFF THAT DRIVES YOU INSANE, BECAUSE ADDICTION WORKS AS A ANESTHETIC, A SOOTHING SALVE TO CALM THOSE TURBULENT EMOTIONS WHICH THREATEN TO TEAR YOU APART. ANY ATTEMPT TO DESTROY AN ADDICTION BY BRUTE FORCE IS RISKY BECAUSE IT CAN SERIOUSLY BACKFIRE AND LEAVE YOU WORSE OFF THAN BEFORE.

YOU CAN SEE WHAT A BULLSHIT ARTIST I AM. I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SUBJECT. I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I UNDERSTAND.

OR DO I?

I AM ADDICTED, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO BE. THIS FLIES IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING ANY PSYCHOLOGIST WILL TELL YOU. THEY INSIST THAT YEARS OF THERAPY IS THE ONLY ANSWER OR A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM IS THE ONLY WAY TO WHIP AN ADDICTION.

I AM NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ARGUE AGAINST THOSE WHO BELIEVE I CAN ONLY DEFEAT ADDICTION WITH THE POWER OF CHRIST. I AM ONLY SAYING THIS:

I AM ON A JOURNEY UNIQUE TO MYSELF AND ALL THE CHOICES I MAKE ARE MY OWN, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. I TAKE ADDICTION AND I STAND IT ON IT’S HEAD. I TRANSMUTE IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE. AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH AND A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THINGS WORK. I AM CONDUCTING AN ONGOING EXPERIMENT WITH MYSELF AS THE GUINEA PIG. I CHOOSE TO STARE ADDICTION IN THE FACE AND DISCOVER IT’S TRUE NATURE. I AM BIGGER THAN ANY ADDICTION. I AM STRONGER. I PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO MYSELF AND SOMETIMES THAT IS A VERY PAINFUL THING TO DO, I MAY SUCCUMB
I MAY NOT SUCCEED BUT I REFUSE TO BE SHACKLED TO A BELIEF SYSTEM WHICH IS WORSE THAN ANY ADDICTION, AND IS IN FACT ANOTHER FORM OF SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE ADDICTION. I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN HAVE MY THOUGHTS EMOTIONS AND EVERY ACTION TIGHTLY MONITORED BY A WELL MEANING BUT NEVERTHELESS TYRANNICAL CONTROL SYSTEM

PERHAPS I AM FULL OF SHIT.

IT WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME

BUT IN ANY CASE THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS SUCH AS THEY ARE REGARDING THIS DEMON LABELLED ADDICTON

I LOVE SEX

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I LOVE SEX

IN SPITE OF THE HATRED

THE SELF PITY

I LOVE HOW SEX MAKES ME FEEL REAL

AND COMPLETE

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM

IT LIES SOMEWHERE ELSE

I TELL MYSELF

KNOWING IT MUST BE A LIE

I LOVE SEX STILL

IN SPITE OF THE PAIN AND THE CHILL

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I CANNOT TURN AWAY

IT IS A BITTER POISONOUS PILL

BUT I LOVE SEX ANYWAY

I HATE SEX

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I HATE SEX

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT

ANY ENJOYMENT I HAD HAS BEEN SPOILED

BY AN ANGRY MOB

CALLED ADDICTION

INSISTING I TAKE THINGS WAY TOO FAR AND THEN SOME

NEVER TAKE A BREAK

THE MOB WANTS MORE

THEY ALWAYS WANT MORE

THEY WANT ME TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF ONCE MORE

BECAUSE SEX HAS CRAWLED UP MY ASS AND DIED

I CHOKE ON IT NOW

I’M ALL TIED UP AND EVERYBODY IS STARING

AT MY PITIFUL SITUATION

I HATE SEX

IT’S NO GOOD

I HAD A TIGER BY THE TAIL

BUT IT COULDN’T LAST

IN SPITE OF THE SCARS

I HUNG FAST

NO PLEASURE IN THAT

JUST AN URGENT DESPERATION

TO CATCH A TRAIN THAT HAS ALREADY LEFT THE STATION

I HATE SEX