Category Archives: transformation

Sexuality Blessed

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Beneath the tidy proper manners

Hello how are you?

May I fuck you?

Lies urgently hidden away

A secret that sits just under the pants

I want you, you want me

But we search vainly on a cloud covered day

For the sun of sexuality

Blessed

Our one self our one self-contained enclosure

Be it cunt or be it cock

When interlocked

Form a brand new universe

For us

And yet and yet…..

For so many this is not the case

We equate all this with the sharpest pain and most righteous anger

Sexuality cursed and viewed with disdain

Fuck and fucked and cunt and dick become obscene

Weapons of choice in our gender war

Let us be tender

to our wounded genitals

Ask for the best

Sexuality Blessed

Because this is the door

This is the quest

Just how it feels tonight

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August 23, 2012

I am still sitting here doing the same

But it’s different

My words are difficult to frame

Events far larger than I are moving with such a force

I and you and the girl next door

Can’t help getting carried away

On one side lies a darkness so deep

It eats away at my courage

and adds fuel to my fears

On the other side lies a woman

shining with her own light

serene and secure in her beauty

she points to a world so new

we cannot imagine it

and smiles

This captures it

That’s just how it feels tonight

to be on the verge of my death

or the cusp of my rebirth

This very moment

this very time

feels so delicate

liable to crack apart at any moment

but nevertheless leading to something so good

no words can ever suffice

that’s just how it feels tonight

New Moon Rising

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You couldn’t hope to see it to save your life

But there is a New Moon rising tonight

You’ve been crying your way through these past few days

As the Blue Moon faded away

You stand perched and teetering

Uncertain and afraid

Strange currents swirling down below

Above you unforgiving winds

The New Moon begins

You had expected something different

All your plans in disarray

But that is good

Throw up your hands in willful surrender

To the New Moon

Try once again

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Try once again to get it right

Don’t just sit there feeling uptight

You aren’t the first one to feel this way

So suck in your chest and raise your chin

Tomorrow is another day

I will find new expressions

I will explore new realms

I will discover how to be loving

In a responsible less awkward less careless

thoughtful mindful way

I will

Try once again

and try once again

and again

Till all is right with myself

and the world

so so sorry make believe

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you are so so sorry make believe

it will make a difference in the weather

but don’t you see

the wind don’t care

you are so so sorry you say again

please don’t leave me out here in the rain

hanging from a limb

so so sorry make believe

never again never again

please stop your pointing

put that camera away

I cannot bear all this responsibility

so so sorry can’t you see?

I’m sorry!

now everything everywhere everybody has got to be ok

Karma

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Karma is a dung beetle which collects

all the dung that accumulates over the course of a life

rolling it into a ball

and dropping it into the solar furnace

of divine forgetfulness

Karma picks and pecks and leaves you sore

never leaving you in peace

until all your guilty pleasures are released into the fire

Karma hangs like a weight

above your head and shoulders

ready to crush your cocky brilliance

unexpectedly one day one moment

as you are sitting down to eat

Karma is the dung that gathers from all our efforts

shadow traces left in crevices

but eventually brought to light

Karma is the inevitable activation of our own device

keeping track of every thought and movement

within each wild and crazy night

Accountability is never celebrated

by those held to account

Other people’s karma however

is often talked about

and shared with a shameful delight

ADDICTION

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ADDICTION

I HATE THAT WORD WITH A PASSION BORN OF MY CONVICTION THAT I CAN PURSUE WHATEVER I WISH, WALK WHATEVER ROAD, WITHOUT FEAR. I AM A FREE MAN.

AND YET ADDICTION EXISTS. HOW DO I KNOW?

BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING YOU LOVE SO DEARLY SICKENS YOU, WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF AND WISH YOU COULD PUT THIS THING OUT OF YOUR MIND AND JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, THEN YOU ARE ADDICTED. IT ISN’T HARD TO FIGURE OUT. IT SIMPLY ISN’T FUN ANYMORE. IT HAS BECOME A CHORE, IF SOMETHING HAS YOU BY THE BALLS IT IS AN ADDICTION. THAT SIMPLE.

WHAT TO DO??? I SAY IT IS A MISTAKE TO TRY TO CRUSH THE ADDICTION UNDERFOOT LIKE AN OBNOXIOUS BUG, BECAUSE ADDICTIONS HAVE AT THEIR CORE A TRUE NEED WHICH SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED, THAT NEED WILL FIND A WAY TO SATISFY ITSELF AND IT IS UP TO YOU TO FIND THE BEST WAY TO SATISFY THAT NEED. FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND FEEL THE PAIN AND THE HURT, ALL THAT STUFF THAT DRIVES YOU INSANE, BECAUSE ADDICTION WORKS AS A ANESTHETIC, A SOOTHING SALVE TO CALM THOSE TURBULENT EMOTIONS WHICH THREATEN TO TEAR YOU APART. ANY ATTEMPT TO DESTROY AN ADDICTION BY BRUTE FORCE IS RISKY BECAUSE IT CAN SERIOUSLY BACKFIRE AND LEAVE YOU WORSE OFF THAN BEFORE.

YOU CAN SEE WHAT A BULLSHIT ARTIST I AM. I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SUBJECT. I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I UNDERSTAND.

OR DO I?

I AM ADDICTED, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO BE. THIS FLIES IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING ANY PSYCHOLOGIST WILL TELL YOU. THEY INSIST THAT YEARS OF THERAPY IS THE ONLY ANSWER OR A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM IS THE ONLY WAY TO WHIP AN ADDICTION.

I AM NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ARGUE AGAINST THOSE WHO BELIEVE I CAN ONLY DEFEAT ADDICTION WITH THE POWER OF CHRIST. I AM ONLY SAYING THIS:

I AM ON A JOURNEY UNIQUE TO MYSELF AND ALL THE CHOICES I MAKE ARE MY OWN, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. I TAKE ADDICTION AND I STAND IT ON IT’S HEAD. I TRANSMUTE IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE. AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH AND A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THINGS WORK. I AM CONDUCTING AN ONGOING EXPERIMENT WITH MYSELF AS THE GUINEA PIG. I CHOOSE TO STARE ADDICTION IN THE FACE AND DISCOVER IT’S TRUE NATURE. I AM BIGGER THAN ANY ADDICTION. I AM STRONGER. I PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO MYSELF AND SOMETIMES THAT IS A VERY PAINFUL THING TO DO, I MAY SUCCUMB
I MAY NOT SUCCEED BUT I REFUSE TO BE SHACKLED TO A BELIEF SYSTEM WHICH IS WORSE THAN ANY ADDICTION, AND IS IN FACT ANOTHER FORM OF SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE ADDICTION. I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN HAVE MY THOUGHTS EMOTIONS AND EVERY ACTION TIGHTLY MONITORED BY A WELL MEANING BUT NEVERTHELESS TYRANNICAL CONTROL SYSTEM

PERHAPS I AM FULL OF SHIT.

IT WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME

BUT IN ANY CASE THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS SUCH AS THEY ARE REGARDING THIS DEMON LABELLED ADDICTON