Tag Archives: blogs

It’s Past Midnight Aug. 4, 2012

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It’s past midnight Aug. 4, 2012 and I don’t care

I need to sleep I need to dream of something better

or perhaps a resolution an invisible conversation

to somehow make it all heal and make our lives a little better

I don’t know

sometimes it is hard to carry on

but weep no tears for me for I am the one to blame

for all this shit that has hit the fan

if I hadn’t been so stupid

if I had only stopped to think

even for a moment

but enough about all that because it’s past midnight

on Aug. 4 2012 and I am sitting here typing like a million times before

I still have things to say and I’ll say them

I haven’t gone away although I really wished I could

after the fact, after the fact hurts like nothing else on earth

I feel engulfed in a sea of remorse and sadness rules my heart

Each day is a slow haul through a thick wall of regret

But the light will shine again and I am a new man

Much like the old but different

My heart is bruised and shaken but I am glad

For it was deserved

Second Thoughts

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These have been a difficult few days. I have had second thoughts about closing out this blog, and beginning a new one. I have worked hard building up this blog and developing a small following. Do I really want to start from scratch again? Not really. Mainly, I just want to clean things up. I need to clean up my apartment, and I need to clean up this blog. I just need to clean up, period. I am still feeling horrible over ‘that thing I don’t even want to think about anymore’. I learned that I need to be very mindful about what I post. I have been far too reckless. Hopefully, I have repaired the damage. I had developed an emotional attachment to that whole project, investing a lot of time and energy into it, but it was wrong from the start. I could easily have created a graphic novel or cartoon using images entirely of my own making, and I may still. But I was lazy, and …like I said, I don’t really want to think about it. However, I shouldn’t just dump the whole blog because of this one big mistake. There is an abundance of worthwhile material in this blog that doesn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights, doesn’t use images without permission etc. So I should continue on, responsibly. It’s hard. I don’t feel like blogging right now. I feel like hibernating. I want to have a very low profile.

Should I go or should I stay?

Should I pack it in?

I know I have caused some hurt

And that hurts

Carry on

I have good things to do

A worthwhile contribution

I’ll do what I can do

To repair the damage

Second thoughts about hiding away

As unhappy as I am

I think I’ll stay

clotildajamcracker

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I stood out in the rain

for hours in shame

I didn’t know what to do

And clotildajamcracker was there

She knew how I felt

I’ve posted some things for which I am proud

I’ve posted some things I regret

Some days are sunny, some sad and grey

clotildajamcracker hangs in there

It’s as if we are perched on the same wire

Two black crows cawing in anger and in fun

Or are we trapped in the same old well?

No hope of rescue, but somehow it’s ok

Thank you, clotildajamcracker

I’d eat you any day

 

Beautiful Blogger Award

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So sorry I am late

I guess this has always been my fate

To be acknowledged and feel I don’t deserve

and suspicious of the award

Can’t I just allow myself to be liked?

Or does there always have to be a catch?

http://freespiritfelts.wordpress.com/ nominated me for this award

My free spirit has been felt by another equally free

Just like me only different

thank you so much with no strings attached

I appreciate what you said

and I am posting this to say so

And to pass the praise along to bloggers I like

And who like me, we, the beautiful ones

who blog

I thank you all!!!

Here are my seven nominees pray tell

That this not be some kind of racket or chain letter

Just a simple acknowledgement of our courageous efforts

1. http://sillyliss.com for she is an honest loving soul

her support and her humor encourage me

she likes me when I’m up, down, crazy, or sane

check out her blog and you may feel the same

2. http://maggiemaeijustsaythis.wordpress.com says it all

i just say that she has such courage and honesty as well

I am honored to have such people following my blog

Check these blogs out for these bloggers have something to say

3. http://scintilatebrightly.wordpress.com is full of life

shining brightly come what might

seizing the world and all it may offer,

her blog is a delight

4. http://courtingmadness.wordpress.com is all about Coco

and that is all right with me

Dance with this madness my friends,

it just might set you free,

(everybody it seems, nominates this blog, and I am no exception)

5. http://manipalphotoblog.wordpress.com speaks to me of innocence

a fresh perspective from a loving open soul

thanks for your continuing interest in my work

by the way, Stock Photo Woman nominates you for this award as well

She really likes you, I think I’m jealous

6. http://ediliociclostile.wordpress.com for the curious insight

this blog appreciates the way creativity creeps on you when you are not prepared

and you must be ready to strike!!! without hesitation! or the moment is lost

thank you curious doodle from out of time for your interest in my work

7. http://silverpoetry.wordpress.com with simple elegance

inspires poets to continue poeting and to understand

there is no such thing really as a bad poem

All poems cry out to say what cannot be said with mere words

If it speaks to you then a small miracle has occurred

Thank you all for your support and I applaud your blogging!!

I also find it curious that almost all of the bloggers I nominated were women

I guess I just like women

 

Sex Death

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Just look at her and think, I mean really think. This is the face of death, not the face of pleasure, or of sex, just Sex Death.

This is a difficult piece to write. I noticed that stellamarr was following stockphotogirl, one of my other blogs. If you haven’t checked out that blog you should do so before finishing this piece so you will know what I am going on about. And so I checked out her blog, and in turn I checked out the secret diary of a Dublin call girl. This is not easy reading, especially for a man. Stella Marr is an ex-call girl, now a writer. I know next to nothing about the sex industry to be honest, although I have very liberal views about sex, and about women. I am dead set against the exploitation of women in any form, and yet am I exploiting stock photo woman? When she posed for those photos she understood that her image would be used for advertising, but not to illustrate a work of fiction. I wonder how she would feel about my whole series. Would she feel abused? But more about that later, my focus for this post is on the horror of prostitution, and the world of call girls. The photo above says it all as far as street prostitution is concerned. She is anorexic either due to drug use or just because she thinks she needs to be super thin to be a suitable commodity. Whatever is the case, I am literally sickened by the fact that sex has become a means for demeaning and destroying the lives of millions of women, and actually, to a lesser extent, the men who prey on them. When I read blogs like the secret diary of a Dublin call girl I want my penis to shrivel up to the size of a pea and then fall off. It makes me ashamed of my sexuality. Young women are perceived as sex objects every minute of their lives, usually in more subtle ways than what is involved in outright prostitution. I think it comes as a shocking discovery to many young men that women are in fact human like themselves, and exist for reasons other than sexually satisfying men. A lot of young and older men never make this discovery. I have a very hard time of it, because I have unwittingly used women. I try to redeem it with the writing itself, transforming stock photo girl into an actual human being. At least, I hope I have succeeded in doing this. But that whole thing is based on an infatuation I had with that model, so sex is it’s underpinning. I would not want to demean or embarrass that model. But am I anyway? Am I being demeaning in ways I don’t understand or detect? This is the problem for many men. We can’t always tell when we are being thoughtless towards women. Or am I being unduly harsh on myself? In the one sexual scene I wrote with stock photo girl, she was not used or abused in any way. He didn’t pay for sex, the fantasy was consensual, in fact it had been her idea. Plus I deliberately stood on it’s head the usual expectations of a male reader regarding sexual encounters. Women being in awe of a man’s sexual prowess just isn’t my bag, I can’t write that crap.

I would recommend that men read secretlifeofamanhattancallgirl.wordpress, which is Stella Marr’s blog, as well as the secret diary of a Dublin callgirl. Because we need that perspective. When we get caught up in our sexual fantasies this provides a bit of realism. Women do not exist for our sexual pleasure. They have lives which have nothing to do with us, which we should familarize ourselves with. Some guys get really pissed off by these women, if you are the sort of man who can’t handle ‘uppity’ women, you should steer clear. Now, as I have made clear on several occasions, I am a bit of a pervert, I have a perverse imagination to be sure, so don’t think from what I have written here that I am some kind of holy saint. Or that I am a feminist. No. My misogynist roots are deep, and it takes blogs like Stella Marr’s blog or Margaret Cho’s blog to help dig those roots out. In a word, dear reader, you have no idea, really no idea just how degrading prostitution is for all concerned, but especially for the prostitute. It is Sex Death as far as I am concerned. It kills all the pleasure anyone might obtain from sex. Now I recognize that there may be exceptions to this, but they are exceptions that prove the rule. I’m talking about the scummy underbelly of the sex industry. The part that industry prefers you not know about. Now I am not a psychologist and I can’t examine what causes women to take that road, sometimes they really have no choice in the matter. They may be literal sex slaves, prostitutes because they would be killed otherwise, or it may be because they see no other option. Sex is the most powerful drug on Earth, when you harness sex to other needs it is damn near impossible to deal with. It takes over your life, It ceases to be a source of pleasure, and empowerment, and becomes an agony, a sex death. It makes me want to be celibate, and never write pieces like “An Indecent Proposal” again. But after a bit, I gain some perspective.

I should not be ashamed of my love of sex. But I should keep a good eye (my one good eye), on my intention. What am I trying to achieve with sex? Is a woman’s body a commodity? Am I redeeming myself when I take an obvious commodity such as a Stock Photo Woman and attempt to make her a real character? While I definitely have the hots for that model, I also wonder about what she is like as a person. Am I exploiting her? I would like to think I’m not by virtue of how I have used her image. To be honest, the entire fashion industry is founded upon women as sex objects, and very particular sex objects at that. If a woman doesn’t look like the beautiful, perfectly crafted stock photo women they see everywhere, then a man is sorely disappointed. Guys????? Hello????? These women are pure product, as far as the image is concerned. They don’t exist in real life. Take a look at the actual women you see every day, in the flesh. My intention with Stock Photo Woman was to repurpose all of that nonsense. Far from making her an empty shell, I have endeavored to sabotage male expectations. But I am a flawed man. I do not pretend to be free of male chauvinism. I am not a champion for women’s rights necessarily, although I do support that. I am just an older man with a crush on a stock photo woman. Does this make me a punter?, I wonder. A punter is a john in case you were wondering. And if you don’t know what a john is, then you are too young to be reading this material, go back to bed young man!

It is hard to have a sense of humor about these matters. I have to admit, I wonder why Stella Marr would want to follow my stockphotogirl blog. Does she genuinely enjoy it? or does she want to see how this punter exploits an innocent model who didn’t ask to be in his story. If I ever get a complaint from this model, believe you me, the posts disappear just like that. I have no desire to hurt anyone. Or am I just full of shit, as usual? Let me know. Especially you, Stella Marr.