the hurt goes too deep
i can’t reach it
it wounds me at the worst possible moments
leaving me speechless
the hurt makes all things painful
in an aching lonely sort of way
it never ceases and i can’t say more
without falling into tiny pieces
into this hurt
I have some more thoughts about the joy of venting. Letting it all out. This especially feels good when I feel vulnerable. It gives me an illusion of power. But then I check out my body. I am literally in pain. I get a headache. My body is all tensed up. I am miserable. It is literally true that when you hurt someone else, you hurt yourself. You can feel it in your body, if you are honest with yourself. I am blogging again about this subject because there is so much venting, ranting, crazy, over the top, hatred in the world today. It is everywhere. And it is killing us.
Strapping on a suicide vest and blowing up your enemy is the ultimate version of ‘taking the low road’. Wipe out the motherfuckers! Don’t take any more crap from the bastards! U die!! Somehow, using the letter U instead of You takes away from the intensity. It trivializes it. I imagine Prince singing ‘You will die 4 me.” instead of “I will die 4 you.” It becomes a pop pose. But when you are spewing your venom using tweets, you don’t have a lot of space, so I guess that explains it. I’m sorry, but as much as I agree with the anger and the outrage, I can’t get behind telling people, even obnoxious haters, to die. There are far too many people who would not hesitate to kill over their being disrespected. It happens every day in every major city. Life is cheap all over the world. Everybody seems to be choosing the low road. Maybe we will just put an end to ourselves and be done with it. As far as I am concerned, there are no beautiful corpses.
Don’t get me wrong. I think it is important to get that anger and that hurt out there. I don’t believe in taking the high road, if you are just bullshitting yourself. I do this all the time. I explode over something and then feel badly, and become a New Age guru, taking the holistic view. Sometimes you just need to be pissed off and let it just hang out there. No patching it up. No high road. Just let it be what it is. I have a really hard time doing that. But I have a hard time allowing myself to be hurt or angry. I should be above that stuff. However, once you have been authentic, and expressed yourself fully, making your point abundantly clear, you can begin to allow yourself to see more than just your own feelings. You don’t have to buy into it right away, but if you are honestly looking inside yourself you discover a self that is capable of genuinely taking the high road. That self is there. It may not seem like it, but it is there. It may be covered in many many layers of scar tissue, but it is there. I have had glimpses of that self, even when I was really hurting and wanted to strike out at everyone and everything.
The high road is an option. It is real. There is a lot of phony crap out there, but the real stuff does exist. That is why, even though I can understand and sympathize with the low road, I can’t really promote it. I’ve seen what it has done to me.