Tag Archives: pschology

Am I Beautiful or What?

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This quick little post is inspired by what I just read on Margaret Cho’s blog. (margaretcho.com check it out) regarding the twitter war between her and the couple of jackasses who said she had a fat ass. Being the insensitive asses that we are, we often make stupid remarks without realizing the incredible pain that can cause for someone who has had a lifetime of insults, and assaults on her self-esteem. I am guilty of saying things to my friend David that are crass, thinking it is harmless. But now I intend to stop that nonsense. It just isn’t funny anymore. Even if he says it doesn’t bother him, I just don’t like it now. Margaret Cho opened my eyes to my own unthinking crassness. Of course, unlike the assholes that attacked her, I have never deliberately (wait! hold it! let’s be honest now) perhaps I have been deliberately hurtful, it hurts to realize that. But no more!!!

I can see why I like Margaret Cho so much. I was also teased and bullied, and made to feel ugly at every opportunity. Even now, as I write this, I think, “the difference between us is that I really was ugly,” I developed a rage that came out in various ways. I was always confrontational, and used my mind as a weapon. Sort of a “I may be ugly, but you are stupid”  kind of approach. My thinking I was ugly scarred me for life. I still look in the mirror and cringe. It totally ruined my relationship with women. I could not hear that I was sexy, or attractive. I could not bear to be complimented. To me, I appear damaged, full of pain, a walking corpse. I decided that if people were going to regard me as ugly, I would be the ugliest son of a bitch you ever saw! In that way, it is easier for men, especially straight men, to deal with ‘ugliness’. In a way, for us, it is cool to be ugly. Women dig ugly men, etc. But there is a difference between rugged ugly, and scary ugly. I am scary ugly. I can imagine Margaret Cho screaming at me to stop saying I am ugly! I am sorry, Margaret, but every time I begin to say that I am handsome, or beautiful, I laugh. I just can’t take it seriously. That’s sad.

Which brings me to an observation about our fucked-up culture. We are trained to consider one thing beautiful and another ugly. And it is totally arbitrary, and nonsensical. When you can manage to get past your mind, you can see that everything is what it is, without qualification. I suppose you could say it is beautiful, but beautiful implies it’s opposite, ugly. Maybe we could think of it as BEAUTIFUL in all caps, that exists outside all categories. When you truly love, that is how it is. When you are in the arms of someone you love, or better yet, lying with your body literally inside hers, how can she not be beautiful? But you know what? We treat each other like shit generally, don’t we? There are some horrible things going on, folks, and we are sitting around watching some crap on tv. If we allow ourselves to treat one another with the love and respect we deserve, there would be no homeless, no insane, no more mindless bullshit. But I am human like you, I doubt that this little speech is going to transform my life. Never has before. But I thank Margaret Cho for waking me up once again. She isn’t just a comedian, she is a revolutionary of the spirit, fiery in her rage! I recommend her blog to anyone who wants to have their bullshit values challenged, for those who want to be real, and true to their true selves.