Tag Archives: psychology

ADDICTION

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ADDICTION

I HATE THAT WORD WITH A PASSION BORN OF MY CONVICTION THAT I CAN PURSUE WHATEVER I WISH, WALK WHATEVER ROAD, WITHOUT FEAR. I AM A FREE MAN.

AND YET ADDICTION EXISTS. HOW DO I KNOW?

BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING YOU LOVE SO DEARLY SICKENS YOU, WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF AND WISH YOU COULD PUT THIS THING OUT OF YOUR MIND AND JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, THEN YOU ARE ADDICTED. IT ISN’T HARD TO FIGURE OUT. IT SIMPLY ISN’T FUN ANYMORE. IT HAS BECOME A CHORE, IF SOMETHING HAS YOU BY THE BALLS IT IS AN ADDICTION. THAT SIMPLE.

WHAT TO DO??? I SAY IT IS A MISTAKE TO TRY TO CRUSH THE ADDICTION UNDERFOOT LIKE AN OBNOXIOUS BUG, BECAUSE ADDICTIONS HAVE AT THEIR CORE A TRUE NEED WHICH SHOULD NOT BE IGNORED, THAT NEED WILL FIND A WAY TO SATISFY ITSELF AND IT IS UP TO YOU TO FIND THE BEST WAY TO SATISFY THAT NEED. FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND FEEL THE PAIN AND THE HURT, ALL THAT STUFF THAT DRIVES YOU INSANE, BECAUSE ADDICTION WORKS AS A ANESTHETIC, A SOOTHING SALVE TO CALM THOSE TURBULENT EMOTIONS WHICH THREATEN TO TEAR YOU APART. ANY ATTEMPT TO DESTROY AN ADDICTION BY BRUTE FORCE IS RISKY BECAUSE IT CAN SERIOUSLY BACKFIRE AND LEAVE YOU WORSE OFF THAN BEFORE.

YOU CAN SEE WHAT A BULLSHIT ARTIST I AM. I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SUBJECT. I KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I UNDERSTAND.

OR DO I?

I AM ADDICTED, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO BE. THIS FLIES IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING ANY PSYCHOLOGIST WILL TELL YOU. THEY INSIST THAT YEARS OF THERAPY IS THE ONLY ANSWER OR A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM IS THE ONLY WAY TO WHIP AN ADDICTION.

I AM NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH THAT. I AM ALSO NOT GOING TO ARGUE AGAINST THOSE WHO BELIEVE I CAN ONLY DEFEAT ADDICTION WITH THE POWER OF CHRIST. I AM ONLY SAYING THIS:

I AM ON A JOURNEY UNIQUE TO MYSELF AND ALL THE CHOICES I MAKE ARE MY OWN, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. I TAKE ADDICTION AND I STAND IT ON IT’S HEAD. I TRANSMUTE IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE. AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH AND A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THINGS WORK. I AM CONDUCTING AN ONGOING EXPERIMENT WITH MYSELF AS THE GUINEA PIG. I CHOOSE TO STARE ADDICTION IN THE FACE AND DISCOVER IT’S TRUE NATURE. I AM BIGGER THAN ANY ADDICTION. I AM STRONGER. I PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO MYSELF AND SOMETIMES THAT IS A VERY PAINFUL THING TO DO, I MAY SUCCUMB
I MAY NOT SUCCEED BUT I REFUSE TO BE SHACKLED TO A BELIEF SYSTEM WHICH IS WORSE THAN ANY ADDICTION, AND IS IN FACT ANOTHER FORM OF SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE ADDICTION. I WOULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN HAVE MY THOUGHTS EMOTIONS AND EVERY ACTION TIGHTLY MONITORED BY A WELL MEANING BUT NEVERTHELESS TYRANNICAL CONTROL SYSTEM

PERHAPS I AM FULL OF SHIT.

IT WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME

BUT IN ANY CASE THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS SUCH AS THEY ARE REGARDING THIS DEMON LABELLED ADDICTON

I LOVE SEX

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I LOVE SEX

IN SPITE OF THE HATRED

THE SELF PITY

I LOVE HOW SEX MAKES ME FEEL REAL

AND COMPLETE

IF THERE IS A PROBLEM

IT LIES SOMEWHERE ELSE

I TELL MYSELF

KNOWING IT MUST BE A LIE

I LOVE SEX STILL

IN SPITE OF THE PAIN AND THE CHILL

I DON’T KNOW WHY

I CANNOT TURN AWAY

IT IS A BITTER POISONOUS PILL

BUT I LOVE SEX ANYWAY

I HATE SEX

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I HATE SEX

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT

ANY ENJOYMENT I HAD HAS BEEN SPOILED

BY AN ANGRY MOB

CALLED ADDICTION

INSISTING I TAKE THINGS WAY TOO FAR AND THEN SOME

NEVER TAKE A BREAK

THE MOB WANTS MORE

THEY ALWAYS WANT MORE

THEY WANT ME TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF ONCE MORE

BECAUSE SEX HAS CRAWLED UP MY ASS AND DIED

I CHOKE ON IT NOW

I’M ALL TIED UP AND EVERYBODY IS STARING

AT MY PITIFUL SITUATION

I HATE SEX

IT’S NO GOOD

I HAD A TIGER BY THE TAIL

BUT IT COULDN’T LAST

IN SPITE OF THE SCARS

I HUNG FAST

NO PLEASURE IN THAT

JUST AN URGENT DESPERATION

TO CATCH A TRAIN THAT HAS ALREADY LEFT THE STATION

I HATE SEX

Can you see me?

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Can you see me?

here

under the covers

Do I have to get up again?

and go through it all

again??

Again??

Can you see me struggling?

As I ride the bus?

Can you see me motionless?

As I wait

Can you find me in the bustling crowd?

Does my face stand out?

Or I am lost out loud?

Are we even looking for each other?

How many people do we miss?

a tiny little man

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i feel like a tiny little man

of very little consequence

leading a tiny little life

hardly noticeable

among so many other tiny lives

rushing about

without consequence

avoiding each other’s glances

lest they see how small we really are

and how much we hurt

i know i should try to grow a little

cheer up and look forward to my day

but i feel so itsy bitsy

my good intentions fade away

The Female Way

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The female way escapes your attention

while you are checking me out

You think you impress

But I must confess

You leave me hanging

Without a clue

What to do about you

But my female way will find a way

To work out the kinks and have you purring like a kitten

You don’t have a prayer without that

For you I remain a puzzle

The female way bemuses and bedazzles

You can’t do without it

So you can stop your stupid dancing and shouting

I won’t go away

So jerk all day

The female way is so much better

and better and better

Oh God!

 

Have you felt the wobbly men?

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So have you felt the wobbly men?

Bouncing around the back of your brain

Taking pictures

Leaving trash behind

and building fires

Leaving you with the worst kind of headache

And the probing can drive you insane

They want to help you live your life

In a more responsible way

They say

But they are nothing but a nuisance

I wish they would just go back from where they came

These wobbly gobbly men with no chin

You sit at your desk with a head full of rubber

You dot every i, cross every t

Like some hideous machine

Another sad victim of the wobbly men

They say they want to live, they say they want to be

They say a lot of things that aren’t very smart

They got chewing gum for brains

They found a way in one day

I think it was 1953

And although the party has long been over

These wobbly men refuse to leave