Tag Archives: satire

i guess this ain’t no playground anymore

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the rain came down in torrents

on Easter Sunday

drowning the little babies swaddled in shiny pink hay

the baby ducks survived for they could swim you see

but the babies

oh my oh me

i guess this ain’t no playground anymore

the jungle gym is stained with blood

because the cub scout was dressed in a suicide vest

oh my what a mess

cross my heart and hope i’m blessed

’cause the milk has soured and my cupcakes are filled with tacks

some kids can’t walk, some can’t talk, some can’t see, some can’t pee

i guess this ain’t no playground anymore

not today

Easter Sunday

with this rain and all

oh my oh hell

oh bloody bloody hell

 

Ain’t no app for this, sucka!

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Ain’t no app for this, sucka!

so don’t even try

Your iPhone, your iPad, your pie in the sky

don’t make no difference to a man like me

There ain’t no app gonna cure my ill

Fuck you, Bounty pick ur’ uppers

You can’t soak up this spill

It’s all gone south of Mississippi

to the depths of hell

You know I’m telling the truth

You know I’m keepin’ it real

ain’t no app for this, sucka

no tweet and no twitter

I don’t need to go back to school

shut your mouth fool!

quit your talkin’ and feel

we’re too hurt to heal

it’s a done done deal

 

The King Of The Hip Hop Nation (Lyrics for a song yet to be completed)

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You better hop on this train

Before it leaves the station

And ride with the King of the Hip Hop Nation

I’ve had enough

of all your self-serving lies

you won’t get my vote

I’m gonna give you a surprise

I’m gonna shove my dick in your mouth

and fuck you silly

’cause you deserve it you know

you motherfucking whore

I’m fed up

with what’s goin’ down

with what’s goin’ round

it’s all sick

it don’t make no sense

so y’all better catch this train

before it leaves the station

and ride with the King of the Hip Hop Nation

that’s right

ain’t gonna sell you no crap

I’ll stick it straight in the ass

of the Department of Hate

Cause theys vile y’all

they done us wrong

and sold us out

for a song

it ain’t right

i gotta shout it out now

and ride through the night

Like Paul Revere

I know the revolution’s near

Damn straight

Get on this train

you wanna be riding with the King

Not Elvis y’all

I’m talking about the King of the Hip Hop Nation

Go on now bitches

Tell your friends and relations

Tell them you’re riding with the King of the Hip Hop Nation

Damn straight

Keep it real, y’all

end of the song, y’all

Snotty Little Bastards

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Those snotty little bastards

Gather around my door

They make their useless comments

As I pass through their dreary world

Those snotty little bastards

are rude

They have no brains

They clog up the trains

With their backpacks, tattoos, and stupid looking hair

These snotty little bastards are everywhere

They think they’re unique

They shop at boutiques

I wish they’d just fuck off

When I try to find out what’s going on

In this high definition world

Snotty little bastards say it’s no use

You may as well stay home

On Facebook they dwell

They are on every cell

It’s a living hell

What if they held an election and nobody voted?

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What if they held an election and nobody voted?

And nobody went to work?

What if the gangs stopped killing each other?

What if everyone lost their smirk?

What if Jesus returned and nobody cared?

What if everything were shared?

What if Madonna stopped touring

and meth were a thing of the past?

What then? I ask

Would the birds stop their singing?

Would the phones stop ringing?

Would people stop lying?

Would babies stop their crying?

Would I finally give up my act?

If the server went down

You couldn’t get to town

Blank screens throughout the internet

Emptiness filling the streets

What then? I ask

Would we be afraid?

Would we have a parade?

Would it piss us off?

Or would we just take off our clothes

and relax?

My Shit Hat

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I’m gonna wear my shit hat

To the party tonight

Nobody ever wants to talk to me

So my shit hat will fit right in

Nobody wants anything to do with my shit hat

I get strange stares as I walk around town

With my shit hat

She said “Why don’t you leave that shit hat at home?”

“Unless you want to spend your whole life alone.”

I gave a reply but she couldn’t hear what I said

With that turd on my head

When I finally arrived for my job interview

I wore my shit hat

There I sat and I know that I stank

With my shit hat

Why do I put such crap on my head?

It makes a bad impression

Even though it’s a recession

And everybody seems to be wearing

Their own shit hat

Still nobody wants to have anything to do with your shit hat

Leave it at home

Toss it out, burn it, or just leave it alone

Because after everything is said

And from all that I’ve read

You will never stand a chance

With that turd on your head

Daffofils and Ducks

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Daffodils and ducks

All the colors are pastel

And the sun is smiling sweetly

But I never get sunburn

With my shirt tucked in

And my pants freshly pressed

I am blessed

My pants are never unzipped

All my thoughts are of bunnies and bikes

I have no genitals

I stick to the sidewalk, avoiding the cracks

Don’t want to break my poor mama’s back

And nobody is black

Today I got to paste my favorite Bible verses

Here in my Jesus scrapbook

‘Cept Jesus ain’t a scrap

His life was pure

No pee-pee, no fear

He never wet his bed

I will not think of, I will not think of, I will not think of

Love

Thank you Jesus

My catcher in the rye

I smell so good because of you

Because of you my life is a bright and shining lie

How much happiness can one boy stand?

Suddenly I start to run

Scissors in my hand

I stumble and die

Why Jesus why?

Sweet Jesus. I smell so good because of you.


Spelling Is Important

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The misspelled word captures all of my attention!

Just a quick post for all those bloggers out there who don’t take time to proofread their work before posting. I found this splendid example of a sloppy lack of editing. Collaterial? What is that? And I’m sure that whatever this gentleman is offering, it doesn’t qualify as collaterial. Now collateral is another matter. Always important when asking for a loan. Unfortunately this man did not get his loan request approved. Did it have something to do with the package he offered? Not at all. Such packages are routinely accepted as collateral. Of course if you default on the loan. Ouch!!! The loan officer seems a bit disgusted. “Where did this rube learn to spell?” she thinks.

Spelling. It can make all the difference!

What About The Children?

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It has come to my attention from many an irate comment, that in my previous post, “An Indecent Proposal”, I failed to take children into consideration. What about the children? Well, I just gotta tell ya, I’m not worried. Kids are a lot smarter than you think. I seriously doubt that the sight of genitals will warp their impressionable little minds. They are curious too. Keeping sexuality hidden warps their impressionable little minds. Sex should be regarded as a normal, everyday activity. As common as shaking hands. No big deal, ok? And let’s face it! It would make the work of molesters much more difficult. Their intentions would be perfectly clear to everyone concerned. Let’s see those perverts weasel out of that one! Now, I’m not suggesting copulation in the streets. There is still a time and a place which is deemed appropriate. But bottomlessness is a refreshing solution to an age old problem. Personally, I think children would love it. Have you ever seen little kids romping around without their pants on, having a grand old time. Well I have. Kids love their bodies, especially their genitals, until some adult teaches them not to.

Yeah, I know. None of this puts your fears to rest. But here’s the thing. Perversion thrives in a sexually repressive society. If it is dirty, shameful, you will see a pervert smack dab in the middle of that mess! But if it isn’t hidden. If it is above board, out there for all to see, the thrill is gone! Think about it! An exhibitionist gets his or her thrill from the naughtiness of it. Our attitudes about sex make perversion attractive. If the sight of your genitals is treated the same as the sight of any other part of your body, where’s the thrill, the excitement? It becomes ordinary. Who wants to flash when everyone is flashing? Being clothed would become the sick thrill, then. They can’t see my penis, I hope I don’t get caught!

Children don’t start out being afraid of sexuality, but they learn very quickly. Then they develop horrendous notions about sexuality which distorts their sex lives. All this can be avoided with a little common sense. I believe in protecting children from molesters. I am not some hairy palmed freak. I just happen to think that having everyone bottomless won’t make that more likely. Perverts can’t hide in a bottomless world. Think about it! “Oh! I see you’re a little excited there, sir. What’s going on?” Nowhere to hide. Case closed.

What about the children? I think they will be just fine.

An Indecent Proposal

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You know what I think? I think we should just get over it! Over what you say? Sex. I am so sick of it! Sex alla time ever day! I doe know. Sorry about the accent, but for some reason that just popped out of me. But sex. Why don’t we just get it out of our system. Then we can attend to the really important matters, like which combination of breakfast cereals do I want to eat this morning. So allow me to make a proposal.

Let’s all go bottomless. What do you think? I mean naked is a bit impractical, and topless is too in-your-face, you cannot avoid it. But bottomless is quite the deal. You can ignore it if you just remember not to look down. Seriously though, who is going to do that? We will be checking each other out. It’s only natural. Our curiosity would be satisfied for the most part. Men could still wonder about those breasts. And women have been short changed for too many years, now they would get the full package. Sounds fair to me. Unsanitary? Not really. The people that go on about that old canard are just afraid of sex. They think it is yucky. Ew! get that away from me! Bodily fluids are good for you. Animals understand this. Why can’t we?

I mean in this age of tattoos and body adornment, don’t you think it is a shame to cover our wonderful works of art? Show it off! Oh, nice vagina bracelet you have there! Oh thank you, and your cock ring is awesome! It’s an ice breaker!, a conversation starter. Given the overwhelming preponderance of porn on the internet today, nobody is going to be shocked by this. I mean, let’s be honest. When newscasters joke that they aren’t wearing pants, they really won’t be wearing pants! Won’t this make the delivery of news a lot more interesting?

I like my idea. And I think you do too. You may not admit it publicly, but inside you’re saying, “I’d vote for that!” So let’s do it!

Hold on! Hold on! I can hear some of you saying, you realize, of course, that all of the people we would never ever in a million years want to see bottomless, would go bottomless. Have you ever been to a nude beach? Who do you see there? One hint. You don’t see Jessica Alba. You see all the people you would rather not see naked. So how is this any different?

Excellent point! And if we follow through with this proposal I will be able to see your point even better! I recognize that there will have to be sacrifices. You can’t restrict the bottomlessness to certain people that happen to turn you on. It has to be available to everyone. But think about it! The thrill of seeing those few just might be worth the aggravation of all the rest. Besides, think of the boost to self-esteem. You’re walking along feeling a bit glum and somebody says, “that is an awesome penis you’ve got there!” It brightens up your whole day! I think I have made a good case for it, but naturally (get it? naturally!) I welcome your comments, Just put them down below. (I know how much you like to put things down below, if you get my drift) And remember! It’s all in good fun!