Tag Archives: unemployed

Youth Is Wasted On The Young

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Who is this guy? and what is he doing on my blog?

Welcome to my world. I live in a studio apartment in San Francisco, hopefully for a bit longer, Hopefully I will find work soon, or maybe a miracle will occur, and my precious Stock Photo Woman will arrive in a limo and take me away from all this. I can dream can’t I? Boy can I. I can dream like nobody’s business, except maybe Dreamworks. I never smile, I mean NEVER, so this photo looks nothing like me. I am much uglier. Most of the time, people expect me to collapse at any moment from the stress of merely existing. It is hard work to exist in this world. I started to write that judging by the look on people’s faces they think ……, but I can’t see the look on people’s faces so I have no clue what they think. It doesn’t matter. Old guys like me are invisible.

Before I waste more of your time, I’ll get on with why I am writing this. First of all, I am taking a bit of a break from my ongoing Stock Photo Woman project. I did some good work this evening, and now I need some downtime, Writing this blather is my downtime. I am so young…..You have no idea how young I am. It is embarrassing. I was trying to figure out how to get a date with a cute girl and suddenly I can’t see them anymore, and I can’t get a job, and my body hurts virtually all the time. Wait. That doesn’t sound young at all. Well, sometimes I am filled with enthusiasm for no discernible reason. You know how it is with kids? The annoying way they are always happy and into all kinds of dopey things? And you could care less, unless it makes you money? You know what I’m talking about, and even if you don’t, I am going to stop putting question marks at the end of every sentence, Young people don’t understand what it means to be young. They want to be like older people, well. not really really older people, but you know, older like George Clooney older. They don’t know how exhausting and unrewarding being older is. So, yeah, I agree with George Bernard Shaw that youth is wasted on the young. Of course, from what I understand George was a cranky old fart, so what did he know about it? (Back with the question marks, I wish I’d give it a rest.)

I need so many things right now. Better vision (I may get it soon), a job (maybe), more money (possibly), a whole whole whole lot more money (ok let’s not get carried away). Where did that expression come from? I guess it’s the Spanish Inquisition, it used to be that you could be carried away to a dungeon somewhere for being fanciful, or maybe just fancy. What am I saying? I am totally off my intended subject and still using those confounding question marks! I need discipline! Yes! From a lovely young lady. Actually, screw the discipline, just give me sex. I need a lot of that, and yeah yeah yeah, love as well. You can throw that in. Although the Beatles were full of crap when they said love was all you need. Try eating love, try asking love to….I lost my train of thought. Getting older sucks! You lose your train of thought! But I need to be young again, only I still want to know what I know now, you know? I don’t want to have to struggle with acne again either. And I need to be handsome. I was dealt a crappy hand, let’s give it another go, better cards this time. I need to finish up this stupid post. I guess you could say this is a humorous piece of writing, or a stupid piece of crap. Your choice. Peace out! (Who came up with this incredibly stupid expression! Was it the same people that came up with all those dumb rules you have to obey when you join up with the Occupy movement. You know, the hand signals, having to repeat every dumb ass remark the speaker makes? Enough is enough! Too many questions. End of piece. Piece out!

Thankful for my EBT and EDD cards

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There is no shame in being a food stamp President. It shows that he has compassion for the unemployed and homeless. I am so sick of the lazy fair conservatives. To say that we are to blame for our situation is absurd. Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich have a lot in common, besides their questionable ethics when it comes to women. They are both social Darwinists. Life is tough and only the tough survive. The rest deserve their miserable existence. This attitude feels so great when the sun is shining on you, as you spend your afternoons on the golf course, The rich and successful deserve our contempt.

There is a stigma in being poor. You are treated like dirt by businesses and banks. I admit to feeling a bit of embarrassment when I take out my EBT card to pay for groceries, imagining what the clerk might be thinking. “Here is another parasite, living off of my tax dollars.” But I am thankful for my EBT and EDD cards. Without them I would be struggling to survive. I still need to receive GA in order to pay my rent. This isn’t because I am a lazy bum. It is because it is difficult for a 58 year old man to get a job in this economy.

While I do not support a totally socialist economy, I do see the need for limited socialism. If these tea party people think we would be better off in a totally capitalist economy, they need to realize that would mean no social security, medicare or medicaid. It would mean no EBT or EDD. We would have to rely on family, friends, charities, and churches. This would not be sufficient to cover everyone needing assistance. An enormous number of people would be left without any resources. Many of them would resort to crime to support themselves. For the elderly, suicide would be seen as the best solution. This is the grim picture of a nation without any form of socialism. At one time this was accepted. It was understood that some people simply don’t make it.

But is this the kind of society we want in the 21st century? EBT and EDD are a life saver for millions. However, more, much more, needs to be done. It is a simply immoral for someone to wallow in wealth, ridiculous wealth, while others are without a home. If they would give up this insane amount of wealth, in exchange for a comfortable, reasonable lifestyle, we could wipe out homelessness and unemployment. In a compassionate, sane, logical, loving society not one single person should be left without food, clothing and shelter. I believe we have the means to do this, not only here in the US but worldwide. What is lacking is the will, the desire to make it so. That lack is the very essence of evil.

Hopefully we can change this situation peacefully. Hopefully, the rich and powerful will recognize the futility of holding on and will become partners in a transformation. But that is pretty damn hopeful. Realistically, some blood will have to be shed. It may be mine. It may be yours. But, regretfully, I doubt the rich and powerful will give up their unreasonable wealth without a fight, and a tremendous fight that would be. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against wealth, I am against unreasonable, insane wealth. Who gets to say what is unreasonable? The same people that get to say that anything is unreasonable, the 99%. The overwhelming majority get to draw the line on what is acceptable. No murder, no molesting children, no hording the resources to such an extent that the rest of us are seriously hurting. Freedom is our right, but it is a responsible freedom.

For When My Life Feels Rotten

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It is the beginning of the crunch! The money isn’t stretching as far as it should. I’ll be late with this, late with that, and I still don’t have a job. But am I going to let it get me down? Well, a little bit it seems. I did a lot of lying down and resting on my bed today, after spending many hours this morning at Human Services. It looks like I can get GA, General Assistance, but only about $333 a month. My rent is $629. But I don’t want to drag my readers down into the dumps with me. I don’t know what lies beyond the bend, and around the next corner. And I am so sick of these expressions. I have used them too often!  To hang in there is not a fun thing.

When my life feels rotten

I gotta sing

Nothing else matters as much as

anything else

When all of it is losing steam

And becoming ragged

But I keep on smiling

Why not?

My despair will not pay the bills

My depression will not save me

Lifting up my spirits may be a hard thing

to keep on doing day after day after day

But I’ll do it anyway

This was going to be a little pep talk for myself, but it isn’t working real well. The heavy weight of reality is making hard for me to shine as brightly as before.I need help. I need a lot of help.

This is how the brain goes when I am beyond my cares and woes, and just tired. I need inspiration.

I’ll get out of this mood

I predict sunny skies ahead

Even though I don’t believe what I just said

Sunny skies ahead

Lost My Job

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Sheer Terror lurks beneath my calm exterior this afternoon. I lost my job. I had anticipated that that might happen. But now that it has, I feel unprepared. This means I am no longer hanging by a thread, I am in free fall once again. Once again, I’ve got to hit the bricks. The prospects for a 58 year old man, with failing eyesight, is not good at all. The challenge is going to be keeping from sinking into  a deep despair. You know the state I mean, where you sit and stare into space, unmotivated to do anything. I hate that state of mind, and will likely continue to blog until I can blog no more, just to keep myself engaged in the process of finding work once again.

I would love to be able to make my living writing, but that is a slow process. But I will definitely explore all of the various avenues that there may be on the internet. I would love to have my own talk show, where I could just sit and talk about whatever callers wanted to discuss. That would be fun! Eventually I’d like to try out comedy, but that is scary. Maybe comedy writing would be a good idea. But, of course, right now I need to just keep food on the table. So I would be willing to do just about anything. I have about $430 to my name. That is just sad. I landed my last job just as I was becoming desperate, maybe that could happen again.

I can recall the two and a half years I spent unemployed, from March 2009 to Aug. 2011.  I got to the point where I was just numb from the constant stress of looking and looking and looking for work. A part of me, today, wanted to just go on and do all the things I would normally do, as if I hadn’t lost my job. In denial. So, folks! I can’t be sure of how much longer I will be able to continue to do this. I may be evicted from my apartment at some point, and end up on the street. I would have no computer, no nothing. At that point, I could potentially lose the will to live. I hope not, but I have no intention of living out my remaining time on this Earth, living in a doorway, and wandering around each day, dirty and completely without resources. I would rather be dead.

On that cheery note, let’s hope that things start to look up. Maybe I will find a job soon, although I think the chances are pretty slim.

Meanwhile i will blog on!!! As I was resting just now (my right leg hurts from all the walking I did today, leaving off resumes), I remembered a song by David Bowie which begins with “I’m Home! Lost my Job! I am incurably ill. You think this is easy? Realism?” I thought it fit. I think the other lines “I am a DJ I am what I play and I have believers believing me.” are good too. Well I have ‘followers’ at any rate. Enjoy the video! It brightened my dark mood.

Joys of Growing Older

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I hate growing older. I have cataracts in my right eye, which makes everything blurry unless I am very close. I am blind in my other eye. So, nobody wants to do surgery on the cataracts because if something went wrong, I would be totally blind. But I hate having blurry vision. It ruins my quality of life (of course, blindness would ruin it considerably more). I would be willing to take the risk. But, I also can’t afford to get it done, and if they were going to do it against their better judgement I am sure I couldn’t get it covered. What a dilemma!

I just trundle along from day to day, as my body and mind begin to give out on me. I make stupid mistakes at work, which could cost me my job. I don’t look forward to homelessness. Now would be a real swell time to win the lottery. These are some of the joys of growing older. But I refuse to let it get me down! (He says fearlessly, while he still has a job). It is hard to get motivated to finish my novel. I am still painstakingly transcribing my hand-written novel, so I can put it online. I keep putting it off. I’d rather just blog.

It is important to develop a support system as you get older. It is not a good idea to just live at home with a cat, nobody to check up on you. The cat is nice, but he can’t call an ambulance. I am still job hunting in spite of having a job, because I need something with benefits. But it does me good to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings that others can access and comment on, if they so desire.  Hopefully, I will be able to do this thing for many, many, many, more years.

Hello World

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Hello World!!

I have executed a javascript function to write hello world on a web page. I have executed a .swf file using actionscript to write hello world. It is how everybody begins with a programming language, the initial exercise. So here I am rebooting, starting anew with Hello World.

I had a nice break from my endless unemployment in August. I worked for a university bookstore, helping students locate and purchase, or rent, their textbooks. I enjoyed working again, and enjoyed helping the students. I enjoyed my apron, my nametag, and my co-workers, but I was not kept on permanently, and so, now I am unemployed once again. I am running out of money rapidly, and may be unable to pay rent or bills in October. But, I am firing out those resumes, and I have a phone interview scheduled for this Thursday morning, so I may yet have a miracle.

I am taking a class as well, on Javascript, and was taking another class on Actionscript until I found the instructor to be insufferable and arrogant, and decided I didn’t want to put myself through that kind of torture once again. I had dropped the class last semester as well. I had hated the fact that I hadn’t finished that class and was determined to see it through this time. But the frustration of being without work again and the frustration of dealing with that instructor once again just caused me to implode and drop the class again. I wish I hadn’t, but there you are. Maybe it is for the best. I also regret posting in an online forum and in an email, some unkind comments to the aforementioned instructor. But I suspect he will live, although he probably will never allow me to take his class again. for which I wouldn’t blame him.

Taking classes was my way of feeling constructive and positive during a time of considerable stress. Even though I wasn’t producing results in the job arena, I could still produce results in my classes. But, the stresses build up out of your conscious view. You can be cruising along seemingly happy, considering the circumstances, and then, as soon as something doesn’t go right you impulsively react in anger and frustration. A friend of mine rarely checks her email, and I knew this. Nevertheless, when a week had gone by after I had sent what I had considered a very lovely email, to her, I assumed she was pushing me away. She didn’t want to hear from me. So I reacted foolishly, not unlike my sudden anger at the teacher, and sent an overly dramatic email. She just replied “Hey don’t be paranoid”. If only the teacher had had the insight of how to defuse an angry email. Of course she was a friend, and knew me far better than the teacher. Also the teacher was far too aware of his special status as the course instructor to ever allow himself to communicate with a student in a direct, unofficial, casual, manner. The more full of himself he became, the more I disliked him. A vicious cycle, which simply a lightening up on his part or mine could have defused and I would likely still be in his class. But enough about that. Anger and dislike poisons your heart and mind and upsets the stomach as well. It has been hard to let go of my ongoing anger even though the episode is over.

All of this is attributable to not having a job, and the money is running out. All of it.

Poverty breeds angry, helpless people, angry, helpless, desperate people, who can become reckless in their frustration. A friend suggested I find ways to relax. I replied that I would find plenty of time to relax when I am living under a bridge.

And it certainly doesn’t help to watch the news. Mother Nature is giving us a pounding! Hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, you name it! And we have one of the weakest governments in recent memory, both Congress and the President are lame. Unbelievably lame. They are even worse than the lame instructor whose class I dropped. But one thing is clear.

THE RICH NEED TO GIVE IT UP.

They should do this willingly before they are forced to give up even more. Because the poor and the middle class becoming poor, are not going to lie down and die. They aren’t going to vote for Rick Perry or the Tea Party boneheads either, not when they realize that the Republicans are the party of the rich and the super-rich.  While most people are upset with Pres. Obama, they are even more upset with the Congress and the Republicans.

If the rich people of this country would give up on being rich and just be satisfied with being comfortable, we could wipe out the debt and deficit, and focus on getting the unemployed back to work. It is the responsibility of the wealthy to prevent our economy from entering a double-dip recession which may just be a polite way of saying depression.

I hope my next blog entry will be brighter. Perhaps I will have a job by then.

My first blog that isn’t for a class.

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This is my first blog that consists entirely of my observations. This isn’t a blog which is part of a class I’m taking, or anything, it is only my online journal, so to speak, observations on my own life and what I see happening around me. I am a 57 year old man, living in San Francisco. I am unemployed and have been for over two years. I used to work at a popular bookstore, until it went out of business in 2009. Since then I have taken classes in digital printing and web design. I have always enjoyed writing and decided to start this blog to give me an outlet for my writing, other than just the journal I keep in the old fashioned way, pen on paper. This online journal won’t be as personal, but will consist of my observations, with an audience in mind. Hopefully I will be able to continue with this blog beyond August 2011, which is how long I have till all my money runs out and I am rendered homeless. Perhaps this blog can assist in finding me a job or I can generate money writing online in various capacities. We shall see. I am discovering that in order to stay relevant to today’s world I must branch out into new, previously unthought of areas, to express my creativity. In any case, this is a beginning, there will be more. I want to explore ideas for how the upteenmillion unemployed can somehow help each other survive. Government is not the answer, ultimately, although another stimulus package wouldn’t be unwelcome. I know it adds to the deficit, but right now we need to keep the unemployed from becoming homeless unemployed. They are the engine that can revive the economy if they are given jobs and income once again. I feel the principle problem in this country is the enormous gap between the rich and poor, with hardly a middle class to speak of anymore. This is an explosive situation, which ultimately could lead to riots in the streets like we have seen in Greece and other countries. We have got to find a solution to all of this unemployment. I have a personal investment in that solution.