Crush me Kill me
Until all that’s left is a soft grey mush
Bring it down, bring it on
I am nothing but a clown
Defeat me crush me beat me down
I am nothing
I am less than nothing
I cannot be found
whoops! four oh four not found
perhaps if you search
no use
not there
Crush me Kill me
it makes no difference now
This is what I wrote about myself for my new blog, New Day New Chance. I am keeping this blog, russell5087 even though it was the home for what are now bitter memories. I gotta live with those memories instead of trying to push it out of my mind. I think I might keep the new blog going as an exclusively poetry site. I already got one ‘like’ and it just got started. russellpop is kind of on hold, and the other one nolongerexists. So there! I still feel awful and kind of shellshocked, but I don’t want to write any more than that about it.
Here’s my little blurb about myself for the new blog:
I am a precocious older man of 58. I love to write, and publish my thoughts. I love when what I write serves as an inspiration to others. I just like it when I am discovered. When people seem to like me I am thrilled. I hate when I upset people, and I lose sleep over it. Sometimes I deserve to lose sleep. All of my writing has the underlying motive of really getting into the nitty gritty of experience, and waking up to what things are really all about. These are the kinds of things that thrill me.
Then I also wrote this little intro which I want to repeat here.
Hello!!
I am not new to blogging. I have had others, but only one was successful. But because I was not a responsible blogger, I was asked to take down a large part of that blog. I have learned my lesson, and this blog will be my attempt to clean up my act and be more responsible. I believe I can do this without losing my sense of humor or becoming hopelessly boring. I just need to take other people into consideration when I blog. I don’t want to hurt anybody, make anybody really angry, or embarrass anyone. That isn’t the sort of thing I enjoy. I have found that my poems are often quite popular so there will be plenty of them. I will also repost some of my favorite posts from my previous blog, but not anything that I believe anyone would object to. I am going to be much more careful this time around.
I still want to write in a way that challenges people to think, and to see things from a new and different perspective. I will still be outrageous but in a good way. I think you will enjoy my posts. The illustrations are going to be a bit more sparse because they will depend on my own original photos and artwork. I am no longer going to use any images without permission from the photographer and the model, if any. Nobody likes to see their picture showing up in strange places. This means I can’t just jump onto Google Image and find something to illustrate my post, but that’s alright. I will have to rely more on my imagination and leave the real world and real people out of it. Pure fiction. That is the best route to go for some of my creations. I also plan on writing commentary on real world events and people, and will do so responsibly.
Observing the degree that I had become an internet pirate, so to speak, alarmed me. It is very easy to slide down this particularly slippery slope. You watch as your stats rise and push the envelope a bit more each time, thinking that will attract more readers, failing to see that you have crossed a line. I don’t like to upset people, and being asked to take down posts is hard on my heart. I would rather post things that I know aren’t going to pose a problem for anyone. I think if I really work at it, that can be every bit as exciting as posts that push the envelope and risk blowback. I am so sickened by my last blog and some of the things I posted that I don’t even want to post under that blog anymore. It has become tainted. I want a new clean slate from which to start. Hence, New Day New Chance. Each day is like that, you can turn everything around each day if you truly want to.
Who am I? I am a 58 year old kid who never grew up, lives in a studio apartment in San Francisco with his cat, and works at a nice job where he greets tourists all day long. He loves writing and music, and art. He loves going into subjects and tackling things that sometimes get him into trouble. But he doesn’t want to go that route with this blog, because it isn’t worth the blowback. However, as before I do have a central purpose and theme, which is to help people, especially myself, to wake up. Waking up can be wonderful, and it can be very painful. Lately, it has been pretty painful indeed. I hope that the followers from my last blog will follow this one, because, you know what? there isn’t anything to follow on that old blog anymore. It is history. This is what is happening.
So that is what I wrote: TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT GOING TO END THIS BLOG, BUT I HAVE CLEANED IT UP, TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE AND WILL LIKELY KEEP BOTH BLOGS GOING, BUT WILL LIKELY LET russellpop fade away into that place where blogs that don’t work out go. And that other blog I had? It nolongerexists.
Well, actually, I don’t think I am going to be quite as rigorous as I outlined above. There are some images that I just know are not going to pose a problem for anyone, they won’t be attached to objectionable content, and I wouldn’t be causing harm or embarrassment to anyone from posting them. But after what happened I am going to be a lot more careful.
So I have calmed down a little bit and have realized that perhaps the world isn’t coming to an end. I was running out of ideas for that project anyway, and it was consequently getting really weird. So it is just as well that it is over. I will start new projects that don’t cause problems for people anywhere, just my own private creations, using all my own sources. So stay tuned!!! I am not dead yet, although I do smell a little funny.
Hard lesson learned
and I don’t feel any better
Hard lesson learned
why oh why do I always see the light
after the fact
I hate myself sometimes
So blind to the truth
Hard lesson learned
It is hard to move on
and start with something new
When I am shackled to those hard lessons learned
These have been a difficult few days. I have had second thoughts about closing out this blog, and beginning a new one. I have worked hard building up this blog and developing a small following. Do I really want to start from scratch again? Not really. Mainly, I just want to clean things up. I need to clean up my apartment, and I need to clean up this blog. I just need to clean up, period. I am still feeling horrible over ‘that thing I don’t even want to think about anymore’. I learned that I need to be very mindful about what I post. I have been far too reckless. Hopefully, I have repaired the damage. I had developed an emotional attachment to that whole project, investing a lot of time and energy into it, but it was wrong from the start. I could easily have created a graphic novel or cartoon using images entirely of my own making, and I may still. But I was lazy, and …like I said, I don’t really want to think about it. However, I shouldn’t just dump the whole blog because of this one big mistake. There is an abundance of worthwhile material in this blog that doesn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights, doesn’t use images without permission etc. So I should continue on, responsibly. It’s hard. I don’t feel like blogging right now. I feel like hibernating. I want to have a very low profile.
Should I go or should I stay?
Should I pack it in?
I know I have caused some hurt
And that hurts
Carry on
I have good things to do
A worthwhile contribution
I’ll do what I can do
To repair the damage
Second thoughts about hiding away
As unhappy as I am
I think I’ll stay
One more note to those of you who read this blog, before I close it out and begin a new and more responsible blog.
If any of you have reposted onto your blog, or copied and published in any fashion any part of my ill-fated Stock Photo series, TAKE IT DOWN NOW. I have removed all of that material and I need for you to do the same. Out of respect for the model involved and her photographer, please do so. I made a big mistake with that series from the outset, and I don’t want there to be a trace of it anywhere on the internet.
As a matter of fact, I ask that if you repost anything from my blog, please ask me first. I just want to know how my material is being used, that’s all.
The internet has become a bit of an outlaw realm, and I contributed to that with my thoughtlessness. The fact that I thought some of the writing in that series was good is completely beside the point. This has shaken me up quite a bit, and I have lost sleep trying to think of how to make it right. If you can help me in that regard I would appreciate your input. All of us bloggers are in the process of sorting out what is appropriate and not, how much to reveal, and how to take other people into consideration.
One thing is for sure: Whatever we publish gets seen by people all over the world, and some people may be hurt, embarrassed or otherwise hurt by it if you aren’t responsible in your presentation.
Thanks again for your interest in my blog, and thanks to those of you who have followed it.
I screwed up. I upset the model whose image I have been using for Stock Photo Woman Fantasy. Foolishly I had thought the chances of her ever seeing my blog were very remote. I was wrong. She was upset and I can’t say I blame her. So all of Stock Photo Girl and Stock Photo Woman has been removed from this blog. Her image no longer appears here. I made a big mistake and I am very sorry for any hurt or embarrassment I caused. It was not my intent. I really should have known better.
This serves as a wake up call for me. I need to be a lot more mindful of how my work effects innocent people. I can see how many people would have the mistaken impression that fotolia, andres rodriguez and this model were somehow involved in what I did, and approved of it. That is certainly not the case. Because there may be material in this blog that I have overlooked that may be offensive to some innocent party, I have decided to remove it. It will no longer be visible on the internet. I will start a new blog which will be much more mindful and careful than this one. I have learned a hard lesson from this mistake. I can’t just do whatever I like and post it on the internet. I need to take other people’s feelings into consideration. The new blog will be newrussell5087.wordpress.com and it will not have a single image from fotolia, any image shot by andres rodriguez or any images of the model I offended. I am going to be a lot more careful.
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I hope you will decide to follow newrussell5087. Much of what is on this blog, that I am confident is inoffensive and not using anyone’s image without their permission will likely be reposted on the new blog. I enjoyed this blog, but I would not have enjoyed it so much if I had realized what harm I was causing. Again I apologize for that harm.
I stood out in the rain
for hours in shame
I didn’t know what to do
And clotildajamcracker was there
She knew how I felt
I’ve posted some things for which I am proud
I’ve posted some things I regret
Some days are sunny, some sad and grey
clotildajamcracker hangs in there
It’s as if we are perched on the same wire
Two black crows cawing in anger and in fun
Or are we trapped in the same old well?
No hope of rescue, but somehow it’s ok
Thank you, clotildajamcracker
I’d eat you any day
I sit here knowing I must carry on with the chores
But something keeps me glued to this screen
Something to say but the meaning escapes me
I thought I had something more to say
Eager to explode with words so brave and so bold
Everyone will stop and say “Hey! did you see?”
“That guy said it all so well!”
Said what? I can’t tell if it’s well worth the reading
It’s well put together but I don’t get the meaning
What is he trying to say?
I sit here thinking I should stop all this blogging
away my day
but still…I thought I had something more to say
Ain’t no app for this, sucka!
so don’t even try
Your iPhone, your iPad, your pie in the sky
don’t make no difference to a man like me
There ain’t no app gonna cure my ill
Fuck you, Bounty pick ur’ uppers
You can’t soak up this spill
It’s all gone south of Mississippi
to the depths of hell
You know I’m telling the truth
You know I’m keepin’ it real
ain’t no app for this, sucka
no tweet and no twitter
I don’t need to go back to school
shut your mouth fool!
quit your talkin’ and feel
we’re too hurt to heal
it’s a done done deal
Frightened little girl
Whose lost her mother
In a fire
What’s your status?
An Asian man fiddling with his iPhone
pondering his future on the J-train
What’s your status?
Young man selling crack on a corner
As the fierce wind swells
What’s your status?
Lying in bed, dying by degrees
Hair thinning out
body filled with disease
what’s your status?
little boy back home from baseball practice
skinned knee, band-aid, Skittles and iced tea
what’s your status?
what’s your status America?
you gonna make it out ok?
Give me an update
I’m worried about you.
russell5087 