Tag Archives: culture

Happiness Makes Me Horny

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Happiness makes me horny. Should I be ashamed or embarrassed? Should I recognize that there are some things that are not shared in polite company? If I have the right feel for the sort of people that enjoy my blog, I would guess you would respond to such questions with a resounding No!

But many people get funny around sexuality, and I mean funny weird not funny haha. That is because most of us are uncomfortable with sexuality, especially our own. We both enjoy it and don’t. We seek it and censor it. We pretend we don’t indulge in it. Who me? I’m not an animal! I don’t do such things! I am a spiritual being. Of course it does no good to deny sexuality. It rears it’s ugly or beautiful head in spite of our best efforts. The solution lies in how you handle it, if you will pardon the expression.

But have you noticed how you are rarely if ever horny when you are depressed? No. Horniness rides the wave of joy. Sex is about happiness. When things are going well abstinence loses it’s appeal. You want to partake of all the physical pleasures while you still can. But because horniness makes a lot of people very nervous, you don’t share your newfound enthusiasm for the carnal knowledge. You keep it clean, and tell everyone that your happiness has renewed your avid interest in stamp collecting. You learn to keep your funkiness to yourself. Personally I think this is stupid. Actually it is worse than stupid. The denial and suppression of sexuality leads to perversion and ultimately violence. Strange things grow in the dark, which is why I would like to bring sex into the light.

The misguided way we think about sex and the even more misguided way we actually behave sexually has led to many tragedies. I would love to help bring this horrible trend, centuries in the making, to a stop. Happiness makes me horny, but it also makes me think about my horniness. I resent the shame which accompanies horniness. It is a perversion of sexuality. You see, perversion is all about hating yourself. Shame is self-hatred. Perversion thrives on shame. The more ashamed you are the more likely you are to reinforce that shame with still more shame, until it is the shame that turns you on. That is when you realize you have taken a stroll down a very dark and dingy street. It is hard to make your way back, when the culture in which you are immersed reinforces this vicious cycle. When you reach a point in which unhappiness makes you horny, you are in sad shape indeed.

I don’t pretend to know the answers to this dilemma. I do know the costs of allowing it to continue. Rape. Murder. Child Molestation. Lives ruined because of misguided sexuality. What family exists that does not have at least one shameful secret lingering around in the closet somewhere? Sex mishandled breeds monsters. What to do? Well let’s talk about it for starters. Let’s bring it into the light. When I look out at the world and see the consequences of our sex-obsessed yet sex-denied culture, in which we are encouraged to be sexual only to be stigmatized by it, it seems hopeless, and I feel really depressed. You want to talk about nasty? Our culture is nasty, and not in the way you may think. Nasty in it’s approach/avoidance insanity surrounding sexuality.

The ideas I have are outrageous. They are so outrageous I have to disguise them as satire. That is because I believe we really need to rethink and refeel how we approach sexuality. The cost is too great for us to continue down the same old road. We need to learn to celebrate sexuality and that means celebrating all of it. We need to find joy in our bodies, however they may be. Shame is not allowed. Shame lies in intent. It is not an inherent part of sexuality. Celebrating your body and other’s bodies and the wonderful way sex makes all of us feel when it is not ruined by our culture, is an urgent need. I can see that I have gotten far too serious for what was intended as a fun, tongue-in-cheek post. But the truth is, I cannot just smirk and shove the ugly truth about sexuality under the proverbial rug any longer. The ugly truth is that our view of sex is so distorted that it is criminal, and it is destroying our delight in just being alive. Sex lies at the heart of being alive. It is what brought us into being, and should be one of our highest priorities. You know what? I don’t feel horny any more. This post has brought me down. Satisfied? Now all I want to know about are the specials at Safeway. I can get mixed vegetables two for one? Excellent. Can’t get too many veggies!

Sex? I am way too old for that. Sex is for young people. Good looking people. Old people read good books and take their dogs for a walk. I watch all the stupid ads just like you do. I know what old people do with their lives. But I suspect that later, when I feel another surge of happiness, I will be horny again. I look forward to that. Horniness is a good thing. It is all in how you handle it, you see.

Wilde, Lilith, Rossetti, and Strauss

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Lady Lilith by Dante Gabriel Rossetti (face enlarged)

THE HARLOT’S HOUSE

by: Oscar Wilde

E caught the tread of dancing feet,
We loitered down the moonlit street,
And stopped beneath the harlot’s house.

Inside, above the din and fray,
We heard the loud musicians play
The “Treues Liebes Herz” of Strauss.

Like strange mechanical grotesques,
Making fantastic arabesques,
The shadows raced across the blind.

We watched the ghostly dancers spin
To sound of horn and violin,
Like black leaves wheeling in the wind.

Like wire-pulled automatons,
Slim silhouetted skeletons
Went sidling through the slow quadrille.

The took each other by the hand,
And danced a stately saraband;
Their laughter echoed thin and shrill.

Sometimes a clockwork puppet pressed
A phantom lover to her breast,
Sometimes they seemed to try to sing.

Sometimes a horrible marionette
Came out, and smoked its cigarette
Upon the steps like a live thing.

Then, turning to my love, I said,
“The dead are dancing with the dead,
The dust is whirling with the dust.”

But she–she heard the violin,
And left my side, and entered in:
Love passed into the house of lust.

Then suddenly the tune went false,
The dancers wearied of the waltz,
The shadows ceased to wheel and whirl.

And down the long and silent street,
The dawn, with silver-sandalled feet,
Crept like a frightened girl.
‘The Harlot’s House’ was originally published in The Dramatic Review (April, 1885).

Lady Lilith, 1866-68 (altered 1872-73)
Dante Gabriel Rossetti (1828-1882)
Oil on canvas, 38 x 33 1/2 inches
Delaware Art Museum, Samuel and Mary R. Bancroft Memorial, 1935

Lilith, the subject of this painting, is described in Judaic literature as the first wife of Adam. She is associated with the seduction of men and the murder of children. The depiction of women as powerful and evil temptresses was prevalent in 19th-century painting, particularly among the Pre-Raphaelites. The artist depicts Lilith as an iconic, Amazon-like female with long, flowing hair. Her languid nature is reiterated in the inclusion of the poppy in the lower right corner—the flower of opium-induced slumber.

http://www.delart.org/collections/preraph/lady_lilith.html  The Link is for the Delaware Art Museum

This is the first of my attempts to put together art, poetry, and music of the same period, in this case the late Nineteenth Century. The music is by Richard Strauss, Dance of the Seven Veils.

Toilet Madness

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elegant solution to a common problem

I take great pride in my perverse imagination. I had planned to make yet another indecent proposal, installing a toilet at your desk at work. I am an older gentleman, and toilet matters are a major hassle. This idea is an elegant solution to a common problem. And even for time pressed businessmen and women, it is a priceless time saver! Just think of all that time wasted on the toilet? You’re sitting anyway, why not multitask? I like it! It appeals to my sense of order, as well as my perverse imagination. But as the above photo suggests, I am way behind the curve on this one. As a matter of fact, not only have many other people hit upon this idea, but I suspect it is already happening in office towers all across America. I just hope they have good ventilation! The photo above is by no means the only one. There are many photos, advertising the office toilet that is actually in the office. Not only that, there are even ads for a living room toilet. I kid you not. So just stick a fork in me, turn me over, I’m done! I can’t keep up with America’s perverse imagination. I am amazed! It’s toilet madness! There is a toilet subculture out there, who want to poop while blogging, talking on the phone, as they are relaxing in front of the big screen tv, or just chatting with friends. I am sure that my previous recommendation that we all go bottomless seems quaint, with a modest charm, compared with what is current in today’s sleek new culture…moving forward. Bowels that is. Do you think I am kidding? Check some of this stuff out.

The Kohler Numi: The Perfect Toilet For Your Living Room

All images credit Kohler

Yes, that is a toilet, sitting in the corner of Pierre Koenig’s Case Study House #22, in a reconstruction of perhaps the most famous architectural photograph ever, by the late Julius Shulman. I am excited by this new trend of putting toilets in the living room, where they can serve additional functions as a stool or end table, while providing the user with a dramatic view. But the toilet itself also has some terrific features worthy of note.

The above is from the Treehugger website at http://www.treehugger.com/bathroom-design/the-kohler-numi-the-perfect-toilet-for-your-living-room.html

Now I have examined this website, Treehugger, and it doesn’t appear to be a satirical humorous website. It’s about new developments in technology, which eliminate privacy altogether. How twenty-first century! Can you imagine the lovely couple above (and below) having a conversation over wine, when suddenly, “I’m dreadfully sorry! But I believe I need to take a bit of a dump!” “No problem, dear. There is a toilet right there. It’s top of the line, a Kohler Numi!” “Oh my! I hope I don’t spoil such a lovely toilet with my nasty poopy!” “Oh no! It’s self cleaning!” “Lovely” (the scene fades as we hear a series of grunts and heavy breathing). ARE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUS?!? A TOILET IN THE LIVING ROOM? C’mon people! The ad goes on!

I'm dreadfully sorry, but I believe I need to take a bit of a dump!

First of all, the Kohler Numi a completely hands-free toilet. Motion detectors lift the top and the toilet seat if required, so that your hands never touch the lid
I have discussed how healthy and wonderful a shower toilet, or bidet attachment is, (I can’t live without my blue bidet) but the Numi does it one better by having a warm air dryer as well, so that it really does become a hands-free procedure.
Other marvelous features are a deodorizer that pulls air through a filter and a built in music system ( both a must for a living room installation), a heated seat (there might be a draft by those picture windows) and even floor level vents that warm your feet and the floor in front of you. And, it even glows in the dark. Of course it is dual flush, and meets all of the latest energy and water standards.
I have always said that if you are going to live with less, then you need to buy quality. If we are going to finally get rid of that space wasting bathroom and give the toilet the important place that it deserves in our lives instead of hiding it away in a closet, then the revolutionary Kohler Numi is cheap at $6,390.

A bowel movement with a view, yours for $6.390! I was amazed that out of about ten or so people who liked this post on Treehugger, not one had a comment. I have a comment for Kohler, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???. I think this is hilarious. Can you imagine a rich couple showing off their new Kohler Numi. “Hey! mind if I give it a spin?” “Sure go ahead!” I guess in today’s culture we share literally everything. But I guess I agree with Lloyd Alter, the bathroom designer quoted above, it is kind of exciting to have a toilet in your living room, in a perverse sort of way. Kudos to Kohler for another groundbreaking development in poopology! (Hey! I think that will be my comment.)

It doesn’t stop there folks!! This woman below has hit upon the ultimate convenience of combining her bathroom and office. Now I would suppose she doesn’t invite people in while ‘doing her business’, but still, it’s a little perverse. Don’t you think? Or am I an old fuddy-duddy? This photo is from http://overflowfrommyhead.blogspot.com/ You can find numerous photos of the blogger prancing about with a plunger. What is this poo poo fixation? Let’s see what other crap I can find. Ha Ha

Michelle is thrilled with her efficient new arrangement

Nothing like a good poop after a hard day's work

http://www.newsy.com/embed-video/5834/

 

People just seem to love the whole idea of bringing toilets out of the bathroom and more into their daily lives. There is the easy chair toilet, and even a stock photo of a toilet/workplace combo. You know what? I’m going to need to wrap up this post because all this toilet madness has gotten to me. I need to use the toilet!

You really shouldn't shit where you tweet.

An Indecent Proposal

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You know what I think? I think we should just get over it! Over what you say? Sex. I am so sick of it! Sex alla time ever day! I doe know. Sorry about the accent, but for some reason that just popped out of me. But sex. Why don’t we just get it out of our system. Then we can attend to the really important matters, like which combination of breakfast cereals do I want to eat this morning. So allow me to make a proposal.

Let’s all go bottomless. What do you think? I mean naked is a bit impractical, and topless is too in-your-face, you cannot avoid it. But bottomless is quite the deal. You can ignore it if you just remember not to look down. Seriously though, who is going to do that? We will be checking each other out. It’s only natural. Our curiosity would be satisfied for the most part. Men could still wonder about those breasts. And women have been short changed for too many years, now they would get the full package. Sounds fair to me. Unsanitary? Not really. The people that go on about that old canard are just afraid of sex. They think it is yucky. Ew! get that away from me! Bodily fluids are good for you. Animals understand this. Why can’t we?

I mean in this age of tattoos and body adornment, don’t you think it is a shame to cover our wonderful works of art? Show it off! Oh, nice vagina bracelet you have there! Oh thank you, and your cock ring is awesome! It’s an ice breaker!, a conversation starter. Given the overwhelming preponderance of porn on the internet today, nobody is going to be shocked by this. I mean, let’s be honest. When newscasters joke that they aren’t wearing pants, they really won’t be wearing pants! Won’t this make the delivery of news a lot more interesting?

I like my idea. And I think you do too. You may not admit it publicly, but inside you’re saying, “I’d vote for that!” So let’s do it!

Hold on! Hold on! I can hear some of you saying, you realize, of course, that all of the people we would never ever in a million years want to see bottomless, would go bottomless. Have you ever been to a nude beach? Who do you see there? One hint. You don’t see Jessica Alba. You see all the people you would rather not see naked. So how is this any different?

Excellent point! And if we follow through with this proposal I will be able to see your point even better! I recognize that there will have to be sacrifices. You can’t restrict the bottomlessness to certain people that happen to turn you on. It has to be available to everyone. But think about it! The thrill of seeing those few just might be worth the aggravation of all the rest. Besides, think of the boost to self-esteem. You’re walking along feeling a bit glum and somebody says, “that is an awesome penis you’ve got there!” It brightens up your whole day! I think I have made a good case for it, but naturally (get it? naturally!) I welcome your comments, Just put them down below. (I know how much you like to put things down below, if you get my drift) And remember! It’s all in good fun!

What does it mean to follow Christ?

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That was the question posed on a website LiveandLaughwithJesus, a site I would normally avoid at all costs! I could imagine Jesus and I having a few beers and an awesome pizza (no anchovies though, Jesus doesn’t care for anchovies). But I received a comment from that blogger and she invited me to check out her blog, so…anyhow I came across that question and decided to give an answer. I surprised myself. I am a Christian, but before you start jumping to conclusions about that, you should read the comment I left.

For me, being a true Christian is an enormous challenge, and that doesn’t really begin to describe it. Jesus makes it quite clear that you must devote yourself fully to being a Christian. It is the first priority, above family, above your country. However, before that devotion is given, you must establish a genuine relationship with Christ, on the most intimate level. So Christ can literally speak to you. He asks a lot of a Christian. You must give all of yourself to whoever is in need, with no hope of anything in return. You must love without conditions, all life. You must leave the judging for God, and do not presume to be God’s spokesman. The requirements are so extreme that I doubt many people are capable of being a true Christian, but the good news is that Jesus understands that. Jesus is more concerned about your making a sincere effort with all of your faulty heart to be a true Christian. That can be tricky, you don’t get to use your imperfection as an excuse. The Christian path is a Radical path. It is not about being comfortable, or smug in your self-righteousness. It is about a genuine self-sacrifice of your false self, which is the hardest thing for a Christian to do. But once you see you are sacrificing something that did not exist to begin with, it makes it better. All of this coming from a man who shudders at the very thought of Christianity! Jesus wants me to cop to the truth, that I will not deny him. I am a Christian in the way he intended. At least, I pray that I am.

The Jesus I would like on my dashboard

I am actually embarrassed that I wrote that. I don’t want to be a Christian. I despise most Christians. But I have to admit that I have a personal relationship with Christ. I have had the feeling that he was present in my life ever since childhood. However this is so far removed from the crap I see all around me concerning Jesus, that I hesitate to write these things. For me Jesus is a very personal matter. It is based upon the feeling that he is there no matter how bad it gets. That, in the final analysis, everything is alright, even when it doesn’t feel alright, or especially when it doesn’t feel alright. He is unconditional love. No judgement. That may be adolescent fantasy, or wishful thinking, or whatever, but it is my experience. I would love to be able to say with confidence that Jesus never existed, and Christianity is horse feathers, but I would be denying my own experience. I wouldn’t be true to myself. As unpopular as it is with many people, I am a Christian. I hate writing that, I really do! I don’t like it, I’m not proud of it, or bragging about it. It pisses me off, and confuses and perplexes me. I am not comfortable with Jesus. I wish I were. A lot of the time I wish he would go away, but I am often glad he’s there. Is it a figment of my imagination? Who knows? All I know is that my experience of Christ is a fact. It’s not something I enjoy writing about. I have nothing in common with the so called Christian braggarts that have monopolized the conversation regarding Christ. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a Rick Santorum supporter. But nevertheless I am a Christian. Who would have thunk it? Not me, that’s for sure.

Rod’s Train Set

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So, to get my mind off of the posts I deleted, I’ll move on to a fun topic, train layouts!! I am a total geek when it comes to this, and the crazy thing is that I don’t have and have never had a railroad layout. But I love them. It has to do with the idea of creating a world of your own. The real joy is in creating it, and constantly tinkering with it. Because, otherwise you can only just look at it, watch the trains go around the track, take pictures of it, show it to friends, and then you’re done!

One of the best train layouts I have ever seen was created by Rod Stewart. Yes, that Rod Stewart. He is totally into it, and works on his layout constantly, even when he is on tour, renting a hotel room just for him to work on things for his layout. He opens the windows even when it is freezing to keep the airplane glue from damaging his brain. What a geek! But check out this layout, it is so detailed, it is crazy. It is set in the 1930’s, one of my favorite periods to recreate, provided I ever get the opportunity to do that. It would seem that model railroading is a male pleasure. I haven’t heard of any female model railroad enthusiasts, but I’m sure they are out there. What is it about trains, anyway? Part of it, I am sure, is nostalgic. It is so romantic, and of course the whole phallic thing, but trains suggest a journey, a lonely mysterious journey. Paul Simon’s song “Train in the Distance” (which I would have posted if it weren’t for my agreement not to post copyrighted material!) captures the feeling of the train perfectly. So go buy that stinking album, it is “Hearts and Bones”. Here is where the ad for that album would appear. How crass!! But I need money folks, I am unemployed etc etc But back to the subject!!! I have daydreamed about building a layout ever since I was a kid. In fact I had a half-ass one. It didn’t have a railroad, just tanks, soldiers, and sand. I didn’t realize that actual sand was a bad idea. So the tanks are trying to navigate through all this gravel. But I was a kid, so I didn’t care! Today I daydream about building a Batman themed layout with a bullet-nosed train tricked out to look all Batman related. Anyhow here are some photos of Rod’s layout. Pretty impressive!!

The Buttocks

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And now for something completely different, a man with three buttocks.

I don’t recall Monty Python actually showing the man with three buttocks, and although it would admittedly be a strange sight, it would also be an innocent one. It is hard to get upset over buttocks. This is a sexual object which both sexes enjoy. It has a harmless, innocent quality. You imagine how soft and warm it is. How wonderful to bury your face into a hopefully nice smelling ass. What’s not to like? Well, there may a few things, depending on the person. But that is not the direction I wanted to take with this post. This is the third of a series of sexual object posts. This is the easiest one to write about so far, because everyone can agree that a nice ass is a good thing. It is not so overtly sexual that it arouses all our conflicted feelings about sex. It’s a fun thing.

It is with the buttocks that the food metaphor comes most into play. Someone is said to have a ripe melon. It looks good enough to eat. However, why is it that the buttocks always gets the punishment? Not only spanking, but people always want to kick it, kiss it, and often want it to get out of here. It isn’t fair. Who can get mad at a buttocks? It’s round and lovable. Of course there is the subconscious recognition that the buttocks conceals an orifice. We have very ambivalent feelings towards that orifice. We are glad it is there, for obvious reasons, but it is all so undigified. Sarah Silverman claims she doesn’t have one, which leads to some uncomfortable questions. This tempers the desire to just dive right in there, doesn’t it? But usually, the inherent appeal of the butt overcomes our aversion to certain functions the butt helps to facilitate. Isn’t it fortunate that I have a large vocabulary, and can navigate my way around this delicate subject?

As I’m sure you can tell, I like butts. They don’t have to be big, or small, they just need to be luscious. That is a hard quality to define, except that the butt needs to have a fruitlike quality. It needs to have that degree of arc. Too flat and it’s buttness is diminished. It becomes more of a slab. But there is an important feature which I have neglected. The cleavage. Butt cleavage, it is so twenty first century! Now again, one needs to make a distinction between the refrigerator repairman butt cleavage and Jessica Alba’s butt cleavage. Being a heterosexual male (which means that I revolve in a clockwise motion while residing in the Northern hemisphere) I naturally prefer Jessica Alba’s BC. But I note that there are women who are partial to the refrigerator repairman’s BC. To each their own. Now I can’t presume to speak for the entire subculture of the gay male fixation on the butt and it’s cleavage, so I won’t. (My apologies to George Michael. I know he expected to be featured quite prominently in this post. But, I did mention you didn’t I?)

Butt back to the subject, which is that cute little hint of butt cleavage you sometimes get. For it to be effective it can’t be too much. That produces embarrassment for the person who hopefully is unknowingly displaying almost their entire melon to an unprepared nation. That may be thrilling in some cases, but it’s rare and more closely related to flashing. I am talking actually about the inadvertant glimpse of butt cleavage. With the advent of extremely low slung pants, we get more and more butt cleavage. Supposedly these jeans are meant to be worn with thongs, but think about it. Which is more exciting? A glimpse of a thong, or butt cleavage? Butt cleavage wins hands down. If there are guys out there saying you like the thong, you are lying, or gay. And speaking of gay, what about male BC? It has always been there. No news here. Move along. Nothing you haven’t seen too many times before.

However this female BC trend is new. Women have been showing the traditional cleavage for so long that it was inevitable that the lower form would become fashionable. It is a relatively mild flirtation, in my book. Nothing to get upset about. The world of fashion has made use of male prurient interests since it’s beginning.