All you women can just butt out
We don’t need you lurking
While we be jerking
This is an all male zone
so get out
I know we got shit for brains
and we only got ourselves to blame
It’s ok with me if we go down in history
Let the chips fall where they may
This is an all male zone
Twist and shout
This is an all male zone
so get out
Who cares what we do
So long as it doesn’t get on you
This is an all male zone
so get out
There he is again
with his penis hanging out
He doesn’t seem happy
His penis looks sad
His libido left a long time ago, he said
And left no return address
But still it hangs out
If it had a voice I could probably hear it whisper
I’m still here, I’m still here
I’m not dead yet
So so sad
this summer morning
all that I would
seems faded
history closes in
why can’t I get it up again?
and challenge the world
to be more?
Instead I pretend
and write poems to the wind
so so sad it is
when I have lost that spark
no interest, no heart
a shell of a man
what remains are only parts
held together by a fierce will
and a determined heart
so sad though
that this has come to be
once I sang brightly
my destiny urged me forward
and whispered in my ear every day
today I feel lonely
so sad so so so sad today
my path seems cloudy, windy, and grey
such is my state
as my body slowly reaches it’s fate
leaving my soul in sadness
so so sad
You know what I think? I think we should just get over it! Over what you say? Sex. I am so sick of it! Sex alla time ever day! I doe know. Sorry about the accent, but for some reason that just popped out of me. But sex. Why don’t we just get it out of our system. Then we can attend to the really important matters, like which combination of breakfast cereals do I want to eat this morning. So allow me to make a proposal.
Let’s all go bottomless. What do you think? I mean naked is a bit impractical, and topless is too in-your-face, you cannot avoid it. But bottomless is quite the deal. You can ignore it if you just remember not to look down. Seriously though, who is going to do that? We will be checking each other out. It’s only natural. Our curiosity would be satisfied for the most part. Men could still wonder about those breasts. And women have been short changed for too many years, now they would get the full package. Sounds fair to me. Unsanitary? Not really. The people that go on about that old canard are just afraid of sex. They think it is yucky. Ew! get that away from me! Bodily fluids are good for you. Animals understand this. Why can’t we?
I mean in this age of tattoos and body adornment, don’t you think it is a shame to cover our wonderful works of art? Show it off! Oh, nice vagina bracelet you have there! Oh thank you, and your cock ring is awesome! It’s an ice breaker!, a conversation starter. Given the overwhelming preponderance of porn on the internet today, nobody is going to be shocked by this. I mean, let’s be honest. When newscasters joke that they aren’t wearing pants, they really won’t be wearing pants! Won’t this make the delivery of news a lot more interesting?
I like my idea. And I think you do too. You may not admit it publicly, but inside you’re saying, “I’d vote for that!” So let’s do it!
Hold on! Hold on! I can hear some of you saying, you realize, of course, that all of the people we would never ever in a million years want to see bottomless, would go bottomless. Have you ever been to a nude beach? Who do you see there? One hint. You don’t see Jessica Alba. You see all the people you would rather not see naked. So how is this any different?
Excellent point! And if we follow through with this proposal I will be able to see your point even better! I recognize that there will have to be sacrifices. You can’t restrict the bottomlessness to certain people that happen to turn you on. It has to be available to everyone. But think about it! The thrill of seeing those few just might be worth the aggravation of all the rest. Besides, think of the boost to self-esteem. You’re walking along feeling a bit glum and somebody says, “that is an awesome penis you’ve got there!” It brightens up your whole day! I think I have made a good case for it, but naturally (get it? naturally!) I welcome your comments, Just put them down below. (I know how much you like to put things down below, if you get my drift) And remember! It’s all in good fun!
And now for something completely different, a man with three buttocks.
I don’t recall Monty Python actually showing the man with three buttocks, and although it would admittedly be a strange sight, it would also be an innocent one. It is hard to get upset over buttocks. This is a sexual object which both sexes enjoy. It has a harmless, innocent quality. You imagine how soft and warm it is. How wonderful to bury your face into a hopefully nice smelling ass. What’s not to like? Well, there may a few things, depending on the person. But that is not the direction I wanted to take with this post. This is the third of a series of sexual object posts. This is the easiest one to write about so far, because everyone can agree that a nice ass is a good thing. It is not so overtly sexual that it arouses all our conflicted feelings about sex. It’s a fun thing.
It is with the buttocks that the food metaphor comes most into play. Someone is said to have a ripe melon. It looks good enough to eat. However, why is it that the buttocks always gets the punishment? Not only spanking, but people always want to kick it, kiss it, and often want it to get out of here. It isn’t fair. Who can get mad at a buttocks? It’s round and lovable. Of course there is the subconscious recognition that the buttocks conceals an orifice. We have very ambivalent feelings towards that orifice. We are glad it is there, for obvious reasons, but it is all so undigified. Sarah Silverman claims she doesn’t have one, which leads to some uncomfortable questions. This tempers the desire to just dive right in there, doesn’t it? But usually, the inherent appeal of the butt overcomes our aversion to certain functions the butt helps to facilitate. Isn’t it fortunate that I have a large vocabulary, and can navigate my way around this delicate subject?
As I’m sure you can tell, I like butts. They don’t have to be big, or small, they just need to be luscious. That is a hard quality to define, except that the butt needs to have a fruitlike quality. It needs to have that degree of arc. Too flat and it’s buttness is diminished. It becomes more of a slab. But there is an important feature which I have neglected. The cleavage. Butt cleavage, it is so twenty first century! Now again, one needs to make a distinction between the refrigerator repairman butt cleavage and Jessica Alba’s butt cleavage. Being a heterosexual male (which means that I revolve in a clockwise motion while residing in the Northern hemisphere) I naturally prefer Jessica Alba’s BC. But I note that there are women who are partial to the refrigerator repairman’s BC. To each their own. Now I can’t presume to speak for the entire subculture of the gay male fixation on the butt and it’s cleavage, so I won’t. (My apologies to George Michael. I know he expected to be featured quite prominently in this post. But, I did mention you didn’t I?)
Butt back to the subject, which is that cute little hint of butt cleavage you sometimes get. For it to be effective it can’t be too much. That produces embarrassment for the person who hopefully is unknowingly displaying almost their entire melon to an unprepared nation. That may be thrilling in some cases, but it’s rare and more closely related to flashing. I am talking actually about the inadvertant glimpse of butt cleavage. With the advent of extremely low slung pants, we get more and more butt cleavage. Supposedly these jeans are meant to be worn with thongs, but think about it. Which is more exciting? A glimpse of a thong, or butt cleavage? Butt cleavage wins hands down. If there are guys out there saying you like the thong, you are lying, or gay. And speaking of gay, what about male BC? It has always been there. No news here. Move along. Nothing you haven’t seen too many times before.
However this female BC trend is new. Women have been showing the traditional cleavage for so long that it was inevitable that the lower form would become fashionable. It is a relatively mild flirtation, in my book. Nothing to get upset about. The world of fashion has made use of male prurient interests since it’s beginning.
If you are offended by sexual matters, especially when it comes to a frank, or humorous account regarding the vagina, don’t read this post.
There! I have fulfilled my obligation to an imaginary sea of ultra conservative readers. While it is true that nobody seems to like the penis, even fewer people like the vagina. They like the idea of the vagina, but the real deal, the actual orifice? not so much. Many women are embarrassed by their vagina, and cannot be persuaded to talk about it. It’s a shame. When you take a look at our insults, our slang, it is clear that we have extremely distorted ideas about our sexuality. Why is ‘fuck’, which of course refers to sexual intercourse, a derogatory term? It actually refers to the power politics of sex. Men having intercourse is viewed as a conquest. Women are made to feel degraded. If you are ‘fucked’ it is bad thing. I don’t think this is a healthy attitude. We associate sex with filth in many cases. I can recall my first encounter with pornography. I came across some cheap men’s magazines that had been tossed out, lying in the garbage behind the junior high school I attended. The stench of mildew, and the garbage reinforced the idea that sex is filthy. This is a bizarre idea. Sex is obviously the source of life, and should be considered sacred. In many other cultures, the vagina is held in high esteem. In western culture, we are beginning to see a bit of a change. Slowly.
One curious development in recent decades has been the shaving trend. Today many young women prefer to shave their pubic hair, and in some cases have pierced jewelry for their vagina. This is known as body adornment. I don’t necessarily have an issue with this, but I prefer women to be natural, unshaven. Pubic hair is erotic and I find it attractive. Why shave it? It leaves the vagina exposed and vulnerable. I have also noticed that pornography gives an unrealistic idea of how female genitals should appear. The idea is for the vagina to appear as unobtrusive as possible. You are left with something bearing a closer resemblance to a plastic doll than a human being. It makes it much harder for women to accept their genitals as they are. Men don’t make things any easier. (notice the similarity between women’s feelings about their vagina, and men’s feelings about their penis?). I would suspect that most women are reluctant to engage in oral sex with their boyfriend or husband, and only do so after considerable persuasion. I think the same is undoubtedly true for men. They are reluctant to engage in oral sex with their girlfriend or wife. They are repulsed by it, while also being attracted to it. Many people consider such behavior to be perverted. I think it is natural for us to want to enjoy each other’s bodies. The idea is to do so in a responsible, unharmful manner.
It is very difficult to get past our cultural conditioning. Somehow sex occurs. Obviously. But we behave as if we would never do such a nasty thing. Conversely, we may brag as though we have sex all the time, when actually we are freaked out by it. We are a sex obsessed culture because we don’t have much healthy sex. We are sexual beings and need to be able to express ourselves sexually without shame. I am fascinated by the vagina. It is a mysterious realm. This is where the strange event occurs. How is it that sperm and ovum produce a human being? I know we can explain all the biological particulars, but not the essential mystery. The vagina reminds me that we are a bundle of chemicals with funky smells, squishy, squirmy, and giggly. That is the joy which lies within the vagina. I think it is interesting how the vagina, when divorced from it’s context, and viewed by itself, looks very much like a cave, a natural formation. If you change the colors and add some bushes, maybe some cave explorers, it totally fools your eye. I hesitate to post a picture of a vagina, even in disguised form. I prefer to be cautious, but it also helps to have a sense of humor. You don’t come across nearly as much humor regarding the vagina as you do the penis. But I have included here a video of Margaret Cho’s “My Puss”, which is hilarious. It should be regarded as more of a celebration of the vagina, even though they brag about their puss and put down other pusses. We don’t need to be politically correct every moment of our existence.
I wish I could have written about the vagina with more humor, but I lack the depth of experience which provides that humor. Not that I lack experience (Ahem!), but I don’t happen to have a vagina, so I lack that insider’s view. Enjoy the video, but I warn you, it is pretty hard core!
This quick little post is inspired by what I just read on Margaret Cho’s blog. (margaretcho.com check it out) regarding the twitter war between her and the couple of jackasses who said she had a fat ass. Being the insensitive asses that we are, we often make stupid remarks without realizing the incredible pain that can cause for someone who has had a lifetime of insults, and assaults on her self-esteem. I am guilty of saying things to my friend David that are crass, thinking it is harmless. But now I intend to stop that nonsense. It just isn’t funny anymore. Even if he says it doesn’t bother him, I just don’t like it now. Margaret Cho opened my eyes to my own unthinking crassness. Of course, unlike the assholes that attacked her, I have never deliberately (wait! hold it! let’s be honest now) perhaps I have been deliberately hurtful, it hurts to realize that. But no more!!!
I can see why I like Margaret Cho so much. I was also teased and bullied, and made to feel ugly at every opportunity. Even now, as I write this, I think, “the difference between us is that I really was ugly,” I developed a rage that came out in various ways. I was always confrontational, and used my mind as a weapon. Sort of a “I may be ugly, but you are stupid” kind of approach. My thinking I was ugly scarred me for life. I still look in the mirror and cringe. It totally ruined my relationship with women. I could not hear that I was sexy, or attractive. I could not bear to be complimented. To me, I appear damaged, full of pain, a walking corpse. I decided that if people were going to regard me as ugly, I would be the ugliest son of a bitch you ever saw! In that way, it is easier for men, especially straight men, to deal with ‘ugliness’. In a way, for us, it is cool to be ugly. Women dig ugly men, etc. But there is a difference between rugged ugly, and scary ugly. I am scary ugly. I can imagine Margaret Cho screaming at me to stop saying I am ugly! I am sorry, Margaret, but every time I begin to say that I am handsome, or beautiful, I laugh. I just can’t take it seriously. That’s sad.
Which brings me to an observation about our fucked-up culture. We are trained to consider one thing beautiful and another ugly. And it is totally arbitrary, and nonsensical. When you can manage to get past your mind, you can see that everything is what it is, without qualification. I suppose you could say it is beautiful, but beautiful implies it’s opposite, ugly. Maybe we could think of it as BEAUTIFUL in all caps, that exists outside all categories. When you truly love, that is how it is. When you are in the arms of someone you love, or better yet, lying with your body literally inside hers, how can she not be beautiful? But you know what? We treat each other like shit generally, don’t we? There are some horrible things going on, folks, and we are sitting around watching some crap on tv. If we allow ourselves to treat one another with the love and respect we deserve, there would be no homeless, no insane, no more mindless bullshit. But I am human like you, I doubt that this little speech is going to transform my life. Never has before. But I thank Margaret Cho for waking me up once again. She isn’t just a comedian, she is a revolutionary of the spirit, fiery in her rage! I recommend her blog to anyone who wants to have their bullshit values challenged, for those who want to be real, and true to their true selves.
russell5087 