Crush me Kill me
Until all that’s left is a soft grey mush
Bring it down, bring it on
I am nothing but a clown
Defeat me crush me beat me down
I am nothing
I am less than nothing
I cannot be found
whoops! four oh four not found
perhaps if you search
no use
not there
Crush me Kill me
it makes no difference now
This is what I wrote about myself for my new blog, New Day New Chance. I am keeping this blog, russell5087 even though it was the home for what are now bitter memories. I gotta live with those memories instead of trying to push it out of my mind. I think I might keep the new blog going as an exclusively poetry site. I already got one ‘like’ and it just got started. russellpop is kind of on hold, and the other one nolongerexists. So there! I still feel awful and kind of shellshocked, but I don’t want to write any more than that about it.
Here’s my little blurb about myself for the new blog:
I am a precocious older man of 58. I love to write, and publish my thoughts. I love when what I write serves as an inspiration to others. I just like it when I am discovered. When people seem to like me I am thrilled. I hate when I upset people, and I lose sleep over it. Sometimes I deserve to lose sleep. All of my writing has the underlying motive of really getting into the nitty gritty of experience, and waking up to what things are really all about. These are the kinds of things that thrill me.
Then I also wrote this little intro which I want to repeat here.
Hello!!
I am not new to blogging. I have had others, but only one was successful. But because I was not a responsible blogger, I was asked to take down a large part of that blog. I have learned my lesson, and this blog will be my attempt to clean up my act and be more responsible. I believe I can do this without losing my sense of humor or becoming hopelessly boring. I just need to take other people into consideration when I blog. I don’t want to hurt anybody, make anybody really angry, or embarrass anyone. That isn’t the sort of thing I enjoy. I have found that my poems are often quite popular so there will be plenty of them. I will also repost some of my favorite posts from my previous blog, but not anything that I believe anyone would object to. I am going to be much more careful this time around.
I still want to write in a way that challenges people to think, and to see things from a new and different perspective. I will still be outrageous but in a good way. I think you will enjoy my posts. The illustrations are going to be a bit more sparse because they will depend on my own original photos and artwork. I am no longer going to use any images without permission from the photographer and the model, if any. Nobody likes to see their picture showing up in strange places. This means I can’t just jump onto Google Image and find something to illustrate my post, but that’s alright. I will have to rely more on my imagination and leave the real world and real people out of it. Pure fiction. That is the best route to go for some of my creations. I also plan on writing commentary on real world events and people, and will do so responsibly.
Observing the degree that I had become an internet pirate, so to speak, alarmed me. It is very easy to slide down this particularly slippery slope. You watch as your stats rise and push the envelope a bit more each time, thinking that will attract more readers, failing to see that you have crossed a line. I don’t like to upset people, and being asked to take down posts is hard on my heart. I would rather post things that I know aren’t going to pose a problem for anyone. I think if I really work at it, that can be every bit as exciting as posts that push the envelope and risk blowback. I am so sickened by my last blog and some of the things I posted that I don’t even want to post under that blog anymore. It has become tainted. I want a new clean slate from which to start. Hence, New Day New Chance. Each day is like that, you can turn everything around each day if you truly want to.
Who am I? I am a 58 year old kid who never grew up, lives in a studio apartment in San Francisco with his cat, and works at a nice job where he greets tourists all day long. He loves writing and music, and art. He loves going into subjects and tackling things that sometimes get him into trouble. But he doesn’t want to go that route with this blog, because it isn’t worth the blowback. However, as before I do have a central purpose and theme, which is to help people, especially myself, to wake up. Waking up can be wonderful, and it can be very painful. Lately, it has been pretty painful indeed. I hope that the followers from my last blog will follow this one, because, you know what? there isn’t anything to follow on that old blog anymore. It is history. This is what is happening.
So that is what I wrote: TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT GOING TO END THIS BLOG, BUT I HAVE CLEANED IT UP, TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE AND WILL LIKELY KEEP BOTH BLOGS GOING, BUT WILL LIKELY LET russellpop fade away into that place where blogs that don’t work out go. And that other blog I had? It nolongerexists.
Well, actually, I don’t think I am going to be quite as rigorous as I outlined above. There are some images that I just know are not going to pose a problem for anyone, they won’t be attached to objectionable content, and I wouldn’t be causing harm or embarrassment to anyone from posting them. But after what happened I am going to be a lot more careful.
So I have calmed down a little bit and have realized that perhaps the world isn’t coming to an end. I was running out of ideas for that project anyway, and it was consequently getting really weird. So it is just as well that it is over. I will start new projects that don’t cause problems for people anywhere, just my own private creations, using all my own sources. So stay tuned!!! I am not dead yet, although I do smell a little funny.
These have been a difficult few days. I have had second thoughts about closing out this blog, and beginning a new one. I have worked hard building up this blog and developing a small following. Do I really want to start from scratch again? Not really. Mainly, I just want to clean things up. I need to clean up my apartment, and I need to clean up this blog. I just need to clean up, period. I am still feeling horrible over ‘that thing I don’t even want to think about anymore’. I learned that I need to be very mindful about what I post. I have been far too reckless. Hopefully, I have repaired the damage. I had developed an emotional attachment to that whole project, investing a lot of time and energy into it, but it was wrong from the start. I could easily have created a graphic novel or cartoon using images entirely of my own making, and I may still. But I was lazy, and …like I said, I don’t really want to think about it. However, I shouldn’t just dump the whole blog because of this one big mistake. There is an abundance of worthwhile material in this blog that doesn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights, doesn’t use images without permission etc. So I should continue on, responsibly. It’s hard. I don’t feel like blogging right now. I feel like hibernating. I want to have a very low profile.
Should I go or should I stay?
Should I pack it in?
I know I have caused some hurt
And that hurts
Carry on
I have good things to do
A worthwhile contribution
I’ll do what I can do
To repair the damage
Second thoughts about hiding away
As unhappy as I am
I think I’ll stay
Frightened little girl
Whose lost her mother
In a fire
What’s your status?
An Asian man fiddling with his iPhone
pondering his future on the J-train
What’s your status?
Young man selling crack on a corner
As the fierce wind swells
What’s your status?
Lying in bed, dying by degrees
Hair thinning out
body filled with disease
what’s your status?
little boy back home from baseball practice
skinned knee, band-aid, Skittles and iced tea
what’s your status?
what’s your status America?
you gonna make it out ok?
Give me an update
I’m worried about you.
The Thing Is
There’s not enough room
For all your dreams and aspirations
Scale it back, be realistic
lol
The Thing Is
Compromise is a part of life
It is what it is
We can’t finish this conversation
I’m dropping out
lol
The Thing Is
There is only so much money
And we don’t have enough for you
Sorry for the inconvenience
We appreciate your understanding
lol
The Thing Is
I thought you knew we were only friends
While we were hanging around
Sorry
lol
The Thing Is
My battery is low
Can’t talk now
A new universe emerges as the Buddha continues to sit.
There is an inexplicable thread, a connection between all things past present and future. I cannot explain or write intelligently about it, but I nevertheless am. For it perplexes, thrills, frustrates, and propels me forward to the next thing, always, the next thing. I sometimes feel as though I am serving some other purpose than the one I have half-wittingly devised for myself. I sometimes feel protected, other times the world has conspired to kick me in the ass. What is the point? I grow very tired of asking. I am driven to stay awake when I want so much to sleep. Why? Why do I have so much to say? to create? Am I holding back the tide of death?
This leads to the topic of this post, magic. Do you believe in magic? asked the Lovin’ Spoonful. I believe in that perfect sunny day, when everything is right, and love is in the air. Oh yes, I believe, although Davey Jones is dead, I still believe. Remember that old film, “Field of Dreams”? I know it is corny, but there is truth in that phrase, “If you build it, they will come.” but here is how I would say it. If you can imagine it, fully, in delightful detail, you can bring it into being. No matter how outrageous it may seem, or hopeless, pointless or whatever other adjective your mind comes up with to sabotage your efforts. You must imagine freely, with abandon, without purpose or reward. Imagine boldly! Like a solar flare! This fire of creativity does not lie within a single breast. It is shared throughout eternity, an inexhaustible resource with unlimited downloads. and it’s free!
Yes I know, I have written this drivel before, my skeptical side protests. and what good has it done? To this mind there can be no adequate response. For such a mind gazes into it’s own reflection and it is always exactly the same old dull disappointment, rendering a dazzling array of colors to various tones of gray. Such is the mislabeled discerning mind, upon which we foolishly depend. I do not believe one word of this post and so what? The truth does not seek approval. The truth does not require your vote. So put such foolishness aside. And Dream!
There is a hidden network, a not so silent anymore brotherhood embarked upon the same journey, engaged in the same task. You can find it on the internet, in a small overlooked church, or a restored Victorian house converted into a Zen Center. You find it in a mosh pit, or a tent in the Sudan. You find it on campuses, in military bases, and playgrounds. A single thread connects us all unknowingly, perhaps even unwillingly. Therein lies the magic. In ways we cannot possibly imagine, we truly have the power to do impossible things.
This is definitely one of “those” posts. The ones I nevertheless put out there even though I have my doubts. You see, somebody wrote this using my hands. Or else there is another Russell I am beginning to know better and better each time he writes such things as this. I think I like that idea much better!
That was what I heard tonight at a meeting at the San Francisco Library regarding blogs, social media, and our communities. It was very poorly attended which surprised me. There were a lot of chairs and only about an eighth of them were filled, about 15 people. I’m not sure if this reflects a lack of interest in blogs, social media, or the local community. Some guy in the audience observed that blogs are going out of style, that the future belongs to Facebook. Who bothers with blogs anymore? Well, I do, and I am not particularly fond of Facebook, in spite of the fact that I am on it. I think that is true of a lot of people that are on Facebook. So I think that guy has it wrong. Facebook is antiquated. It is a totally profit driven, ad driven machine which intrudes into our lives, whereas blogs are an opportunity to express ourselves more fully, and honestly, than Facebook can easily facilitate. Facebook is People magazine, blogs are The New Yorker. At least that is how I see it. I wish I had said it at the meeting. Only myself and another person, from the audience, stepped up to the microphone to say what we were doing blogwise in our community. I was enthusiastic and ignored the strong wind and sagebrush rolling through the room. I mentioned that it felt very strange to be having more of a conversation with somebody in Wales than the people living across the hall from me. But the friend I went with commented on the walk home, that it didn’t bother him at all that our most significant relationships in the future will likely be online. I imagine myself lying in a tube, hooked up to a machine, experiencing everything virtually, like in the Matrix. No thanks.
The meeting was interesting otherwise. Some people who had nonprofit blogs related to San Francisco were there. One was http://www.outsidelands.org which compiles photos and video about San Francisco history. It looked like a very fun website, fulfilling a good purpose. These guys did all this work getting this archival material on the web, without getting paid for their efforts. So much for my hope that I might get a job doing this sort of thing. I see a tremendous need to get the mountain of historical material sitting in people’s attics onto the web. This is a window onto the past which remains unmined, and we may lose it forever. I would like to see a linkup between cities, towns, and even countries to make this material easily available. Given that I love history, it would be an exciting project. But I need an income at the moment. I don’t really want to be a homeless volunteer. The other website represented on the panel was richmondsfblog.com which focuses on the San Francisco Richmond District, it’s history and it’s present. They talked about how they use Facebook and Twitter to increase traffic to their sites. I was still wondering how the organizers of this event could have increased the traffic to this physical in-the-real-world site. I was honestly surprised that in a major city like SF a meeting about blogs and social media would have such a low turnout. Are these topics that boring? Maybe if they had advertised that there would be cute kittens at the meeting, it would have made a difference.
There are all kinds of ways that bloggers can bring the events of their community to the attention of the world, or at least to the members of their community. But nobody seems to care all that much. I would like to find ways to connect with the people in my own neighborhood. There are times when we might just need one another and some guy on the web living half way around the world isn’t going to be able to check on you after you have gotten home from the hospital, or let you know there is a help wanted sign in the window of a local business. I eagerly offered some suggestions at the meeting, but afterward no one approached me about anything. Of course, as anti-social as I am, I mingled for about three seconds before leaving. I am not a mingler. I know that is very ironic, I knock myself out online sharing myself and can’t have a conversation in the flesh. What is wrong with me????
Nevertheless, there are all kinds of opportunies with blogs and social media which haven’t been explored. So, let’s brainstorm people!! We can do better than Facebook if we put our minds to it. And let’s see if we can leave our computers long enough to actually meet some flesh and blood people and engage in some 3-D social media, otherwise called ‘real life’.
In parting, I would like to share some interesting media regarding San Francisco history, as an adjunct to the previous post on the city. This is color footage of SF in 1940 courtesy of glbthistory.org
This is a quick post about how my heart goes out to all the people I have encountered by way of this blog. So much pain. It overwhelms me. Actually this realization hit me first when I checked out Margaret Cho’s blog, at margaretcho.com. Her post regarding her reactions to Valentine’s Day made me sad, and caused me to reflect on my own childhood and adult pain. Her blog inspired my own, and I strongly recommend it. She is so much more than a comedian. Anyhow, as much as I try to keep things light, even bringing in Peanuts (Peanuts isn’t necessarily all that light), I still head for the deep waters. I can’t anesthetize myself against all the pain I read about, all across the internet. I haven’t yet developed stigmata, but it is early yet. I can relate to the pain, the anger, the insanity, the hopelessness, the humor, all of it. I contain all of you, whatever you may believe or feel. This is not a choice I make. It is simply a fact. We are each other.
I wanted to express just how overwhelmed I am by how many people are just like me. They have the same desires, fears, and everyone wants to know they are not alone. And yet, ironically, reading other people’s blogs just leaves me feeling even more alone. Why is that? Because I am sitting here physically alone typing away, and there you are physically removed from me. We are one and we are very separate at the same time. Perhaps there is a way for everyone to be together in a way that has never been tried before?
So what am I getting at? and no I have not been smoking pot. My thing lately has been trying to get past my mind and into my soul, or whatever that is that lies past the mind, To speak directly from myself and not my ego. I mean I can bullshit as well as anyone, and do, but lately I have wanted to try to reach out in a different way. In a way that enables us to truly empower each other, perhaps to inhabit each other, even be one another. Sounds pretty sexual, doesn’t it? Ok, So maybe I am just experiencing a kind of spiritual horniness. Now there is a church I can happily attend! But seriously, there is an opportunity here. I am not sure what that opportunity is. I have difficulty finding the words to express precisely what I wish to say. There is so much need for love and so much pain. This is such a volatile time, full of opportunity, yes, but also danger. Life is cheap, as egos are threatened, and paradigms collapse.
I am here for you, dear reader, for whatever that means. I have the sense that something is happening throughout the world that is larger than us, and it propels us forward into something we cannot fathom as yet. This fills me with ecstasy at times, and at times it fills me with dread.
I have received your RSS feed, Lord Zuck
Well, now I have my cranky pants back on, lest anybody out there was beginning to take a liking to me. I have to admit playing the grumpy old cuss always makes me laugh. I need a few laughs right now. What am I cranky about this time? The stupid internet, that field of mind-numbing banality called Facebook. It is where I spend my time, and it has it’s limitations. You can’t get love from the internet. I have tried. Come on, admit it! You have too. It is ridiculous isn’t it? How desperate is that? That is why people get so addicted and emotionally caught up in their blogs or their status updates, or tweets. Has it come to this? Is this our love life? Is this where we look for validation? I guess so. I have spent many years, hell, decades being painfully lonely. I didn’t realize it all that much at the time, but after getting into this whole Big Con 2.0, I recognize how much I value human contact. Weird that a machine, a cold uncaring bunch of fucking electrons coursing down a wire could mean so much. But it does. Why does it make me grumpy? Because as you may have guessed from Big Con 2.0, I think it is a Con. A big Con.
The actual purpose of Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and on and on, is Money. Of course you aren’t surprised by that, but you try not to think about it. It is about how we can sell each other a bunch of crap we don’t need. Why corporate America would want to barrage a penniless population with ads is beyond me. Who is buying all this stuff? Who has the money to spare? I don’t, and I suspect I am far from being the only one. Our corporate culture is what made Facebook rich. We are a goldmine of information for advertisers. Do you have any idea how many Viagra ads I have been bombarded with because I say fuck on my blog? Tons. (ok, I just made that up.) But that is how it works. It is beyond annoying. It is amazing to me that advertisers have never figured out that being annoying doesn’t sell their product. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that we are given the illusion that a real, meaningful connection is being made, when in reality it is about product. That is one of the appeals of Socialism, it takes money out of the picture, and replaces it with contempt, and a begrudging and enforced compassion. Wait, that came out wrong. Let me think! Nope. That’s right. Maybe Socialism sucks as well.
But I have just got to say that when I see Mark Zuckerberg on a video or tv, he seems to be from some other world. I am not entirely sure he is human. If there were an alien invasion, I think it might take the form of something like Facebook. This is how the alien horde is learning about human beings. We won’t be able to resist those swell alien recipes for blueberry crumbcake. But, seriously, the guy doesn’t blink! Anyhow, it gives me the creeps. I think the internet, blogs, and Facebook, Twitter, etc. have great potential to bring us together in a way that could enable all of us to partake of this capitalist paradise. We are in this together. If the unwashed millions go down, the well scrubbed wealthy won’t be far behind.
So I appeal to the self-interest of all you self interested people out there. You are comfortable in your cocoon, absorbed in your personal media while surrounded by a sea of hopelessness. Very little stands between you and that sea. You could join the legion of disgruntled souls like me very easily. Just lose your job, get caught up in horrendous credit card debt, and you won’t give a damn about Josh’s status update, or Brittany’s last tweet. OMG You will be kicking the trash cans and blaming the pigeons for your fate.
russell5087: NO WALL BETWEEN WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I ATE
(try again) russell5087: NO WALL BETWEEN WHAT I THINK AND HOW LONG I WAIT
(What???)
I have a bad attitude. I admit it. I always have. It is written on my elementary school report cards. Not really. My bad attitude doesn’t go back that far. Why can’t I just be polite? Why do I lose patience with people? Here I had someone who was kind enough to provide me with the facts regarding the sinister role played by the US and NATO in Libya, and in Syria even as we speak! The facts! Given that we live in a totalitarian dictatorship in which this blog could not possibly exist, and facts are impossible to find, this is nothing less than incredible. And I had to screw it up with my bad attitude. I didn’t say he was wrong, I was just a wee bit skeptical. I complimented him on his expertise and knowledge which obviously surpassed mine. I never claimed to be in possession of the precious facts. I could only offer a skimpy little opinion with no documentation. How lame is that?? I guess I was a little put off by his wanting to be my teacher. I have never been all that great a student, and having been a teacher (briefly), myself, I know that teachers can be full of shit as easily as anyone. Not that this guy was full of shit, for all I know he is the foremost expert on the Middle East taking time out of his busy schedule to let me know the facts. Could be. Nah!!! I really doubt that. I am not that important. I offended him. I have a bad attitude. Just another day on the internet. The crazy thing about it is that I went out of my way to not keep his facts away. Check them out! You still can! They are right there with his comments. This is information you won’t get on the evening news. But who takes any future facts away? He does. Because I fail to grant him the proper respect given a Reichsfuhrer. Actually the odds of his being a Reichsfuhrer are about a billion to one. So if you want the real dope on whats going down in the Middle East, it’s not hard to find! Check out the comments on the Tragedy in Syria post on my blog. The guy that sounds like he’s standing on a soap box? That’s the guy. He has the facts. Check it out! He has a very nice blog, well designed, very attractive. I like the fact that he doesn’t have a wall between what he says and thinks. I can vouch for that. He clearly says what he thinks. There is worthwhile information here. He isn’t a nut. I respect his information and his point of view. He is very well educated, and seems to know what he is talking about. I almost wish I had had a better attitude. But he is just too damn important for my little pee-wee brain.
So what should we take from this episode? I beseech my fellow bloggers to give me feedback. Once again I post something regarding netiquette, “Facebook Murders”, and I violate my own rules. Actually, though, I don’t think I was rude, just testy, a bit sarcastic. I don’t like experts. I can hardly suppress the urge to cut them down to size. I especially dislike left-wing Politburo types. They can be unbearable. Just think, if we lived in a Communist society, we would have to put up with those guys all the time, and pretend to like it! But I got off the point, didn’t I? What is the best way to deal with ideologues? If you’ve got somebody commenting that is intent upon letting you know the facts, which seemingly only he has, and he wants to set you straight, what do you do? Let him have at it?, and keep your damn mouth shut? Engage him? Go back and forth presenting your opinions, which in the heat of argument inexplicably become facts? That seems endless and tedious. Or should you just toss his comment in the trash to begin with? That feels like censorship to me. Unless someone is just spewing out expletives I feel I should let them have their say. At no point did I try to shut this guy down. He had his forum and chose to take his ball and bat and go home. I can’t say I am sorry.
russell5087 